Fasting for Sanity

Depersonalization post, again

2011-02-12T09:25:00.002-06:00

This is going to be a weird post. They're all weird posts, actually. It occurs to me that when I'm sitting here, I don't have a coherent idea or theory about what's going on, healthwise. But then I write something and it becomes coherent, though in reality (or in my head) it's not as clear as it is written here. So that was my preamble and my disclaimer. I'm not saying I know what's going on in (with) my head or whether the chain of causation exists the way I'm about to write it. In fact, my memories of the past few weeks are kind of distorted and foggy, but I think I need to write something down about it.

Once upon a time....

I've been working. It's stressful, even though it's a 9-5 type job. I'm not just a cog in the wheel. The expectations are high, I feel I have to be productive, and [here's the biggie] my work is very "visible." It's intellectually challenging and I feel dumb and lost a lot of the time.

When I started, I felt overwhelmed, foggy and depressed. So, I started drinking coffee again. The first week, I felt like superman. I was flying, felt happy, could focus and I had some measure of confidence. Then, I got habituated. I'm up to four cups a day, but I try not to drink after 1pm or so. The coffee now wakes me up in the morning, but doesn't do much else.

I started looking around for something more, something better. I reached into my cabinet and tried DLPA -- DL-phenylalanine. It helped my focus and my mood. But it also made me a little nervous and I think it contributed to my very weird and uncharacteristic urge to binge eat. For about two weeks I ate everything in sight and went out of my way to buy junk food. This was not sustainable, especially since I wasn't really doing that great in terms of focus at work. So I looked into the DPA (just the D part of the DL-phenylalanine). It prevents the degradation of endorphins. It made me much calmer and takes the edge off the depersonalization. But I think in the long run, it was making the DP worse. This is where things get all fuzzy. Anyway, I decided to quit both the DPA and the DLPA. (Aside from making me binge eat, it was also constipating me like nobody's business.)

It's been a couple of days now off the DPA/DLPA and I feel like a martian. Serious depersonalization that gets worse after I eat. Depersonalization when I wake up in the morning. A general sense of malaise. I'm feeling a little desperate, actually. I had run out of inositol that usually helps in situations like this. Got a bottle in yesterday. Ate the whole thing and it didn't make a dent in how I'm feeling. Also, yesterday--before getting the inositol--I popped 4.5 mg of naltrexone because I read that it helps with DP, though they use much higher doses for DP. I had never taken 4.5mg at once. It calmed me down a bit, improved my mood.

Ugh, I don't know what's going on. Oh, interesting tidbit: when I feel depersonalized like this, I don't really get much nausea after eating. I get the DP instead.

So there you have it. My weird feelings of weirdness.

want to die

2011-02-06T16:41:00.002-06:00

Things are bad. I feel depersonalized. I have pain in my abdomen, under my low ribs and almost constant nausea. I should have gone to a doctor long ago, when all this started about a year ago, but I didn't. The only thing that makes the pain and the nausea go away is eating. So I've been eating, and gaining weight. I can hold off on eating, but then the pain gets worse and I end up binging. I feel terrible. I'm going to go to the doctor this week. But I'm afraid they won't find anything wrong with me.

The DP is bothering me a lot. I see my hands as not part of me. I've lost faith in the supplements I spent so much money buying. I've thrown them out. Another few days of this is all I can stand and then I'm going to kill myself.

I don't really want to die. All I want is to feel better. But I feel trapped in my body. My parents don't understand. They say things like, "there are lots of sick people out there with physical illnesses, they don't hate themselves, they don't want to die." While they acknowledge that I may have something physical wrong with me, they still think that the big problem is in my head.

If the doctor doesn't find that I'm sick or that I have an ulcer or something (which is what I suspect), I don't know what I'll do. If he does find that I'm ill, I'll be relieved because it means I won't have to live like this anymore.

I CAN'T TAKE IT. NOTHING IS REAL!!!! I look outside and it's not my neighborhood. I look in the mirror and it's not me. I feel like I'm living inside a shell and can't break out.

And the worst part is, when I feel like the DP is fading...all I get is the usual self-loathing and anxiety I've always had. I can't tell anyone how bad it is because they will take me away and put me in the hospital and I won't have control over my life anymore.

The stress of work makes things harder...but, as usual, when it comes to work, I always pull through. I keep it together during the week. I do what it takes.

I need some relief soon.

It's hard to believe that things look so normal on the outside. My own apartment, a job with prestige and a lot of responsibility. A house plant. God, I can't take it....

Does anyone even read this shit? I googled some of my problems and my own fucking blog came up! How sad is that?

I did get a comment the other day from a nice woman who also had itching...that was sweet. Thank you.

At last! I have...

2010-10-17T12:48:00.005-05:00

Gainful employment. A full-time job. Benefits. Pension. Even a little prestige. All within two weeks of passing the bar. The fam. was much impressed.

I'm relieved to be employed--particularly in this economy. My current co-workers took me out for a drink this past Friday to celebrate and the one clerk I don't like (former professional dancer turned fat) could barely form a smile to congratulate me. Jealous bitch :-). Warms my heart!

But this makes my mental health more of a problem. I have a job now, big question is, can I keep it? It's provisional for a six-month period. If I fuck up, I'm OUT. In fact, I happened to mention this to the nice clerk I work with. He said, "I was betting it would take you less than 10 minutes to to find something new to worry about." He's such a sweetie. I'm so glad (a) that he has a girlfriend and (b) that I would never date him. Otherwise, we could never be friends.

Speaking of which, the new clerk who started just recently is a real looker. Wowee!! I think he has a girlfriend. In any case, I don't date anyone without a law license :P. I'm only kidding. Sort of. He's not really my type anyway, except for the good-looking part. That I can dig.

Experiments with supplements

2010-10-17T12:27:00.003-05:00

Shouldn't I know better?

But here's a health update, starting with--you guessed it--a bowel-status update: Massively constipated. Hardly any urge. When the urge hits, it's rabbit pellets. Since I have no self-control when it comes to supplements, I don't really have a clue what caused this phenomenon. A month ago, this was NOT happening.

A while back, probably around my last post, I weaned myself off inositol. The withdrawal was painful, but there's something about inositol. If I have it in the house, I end up swallowing the entire bottle and sitting there with a spaced-out smile on my face as I ride the high. Seriously, if there's something to get addicted to, I'm your man (or, woman, actually). Yet another reason why I would never try hard drugs. I figured these ups and downs were not sustainable, so I went cold turkey and decided only to take inositol if it was packaged with choline.

But I needed to do something to mediate the horrific withdrawal. So I started popping phosphatadyl serine. This was moderately helpful, but I needed more. While trolling the net, I stumbled upon another supplement which I happened to have in my embarrassingly overstocked cabinet. It was carnosine (that's with an "S", not to be confused with carnitine or acetyl-l--carnitine). This was a pretty phenomenal supplement...for a little while. My body is weird like that. A supp works for a few days, then my body changes, and the supp feels a little different. I felt real and normal, focused yet calm. It's then that I first noticed the pellets, supra. Turns out the carnosine was packaged with calcium. Well, calcium will screw me every time. So I switched the a calcium-free version of the same. Pellets continued.

I became a little panicked, so I stopped the carnosine. Got some withdrawal from that. Started acetyl-l-carnitine. The first day, I felt great. Then it made me nervous and depressed. I broke out and felt cold all day. It sort of sucked. But my cravings went away. Yay!

Anyway, today, I tried n-acetyl-cysteine with some pantothenic acid. Don't know why. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Made me sort of sad and tired. But since I stopped taking the acetyl-carnitine, my skin has cleared up. All it took was a day.

Sooooo...I've also been taking rhodiola on occasion. It makes me feel less tired, which is definitely a plus. But it's another supp that I can't take too many days in a row or I get depressed and nervous.

That's me, in a nutshell. (I confess, I just took a acetyl-l-carnitine because I was feeling the old cravings. Now I'm craving-less and freakin cold--I read it interferes with thyroid conversion in some people. Why is it that I'm always "some people.")

Feeling like crap

2010-10-06T20:36:00.004-05:00

Here I was, thinking that passing the bar would change my life. Actually, I knew it wouldn't end up making much difference. Rather, it would have made a difference--a bad difference--had I failed. But passing is just...eh.

In any case, here I am, feeling restless, nervous, lonely, shameful, full of self-loathing and disgust. But there doesn't seem to be any outward reason for it. I have a job, I passed the bar, I have a couple of friends, I socialize at work, my supervising attorneys have told me that I'm doing a good job, and my stingy bitch of a landlady finally replaced my toilet after four days of struggle. But all I think about is how nice it would be not to have to wake up again.

The every day is so miserable. I wonder what the fuck it's all about. I want OUT. I'm also starting to feel a little depersonalized again. That is super upsetting. Now that I think about it, that IS the problem. Nothing feels real.

I had a brief period of reality today when I went shopping to buy some stockings and paused to smell some perfumes. I felt in the moment. But it passed. And now it's me against staring at fingers (mine?) typing on the goddamn machine.

The day has come

2010-10-01T22:15:00.003-05:00

I passed the bar.

Whew.

I know I've been awol. Things have been hectic...haven't much felt like blogging. But I just had to write this down to make it real. It's so weird. In one month I'll be sworn in. Then I'll be licensed. To kill. Or at least to practice law.

Love to all my reader(s),
HungryGirl, Esq. :P

P.S. Thank god I never have to take this test again.

P.P.S. I also broke the bank on the MPRE, but at the time I got my score, I didn't really think it was too important given the looming uncertainty of bar results.

Depressed, suicidal, generally freaking out

2010-08-14T16:43:00.004-05:00

I know I just have to forget about the bar. Thinking of it now = madness since results won't be out until October--those fucking bastards.

But I've been having despair fits and panic attacks, nonetheless. I really don't know what to do about it. It feels like when I used to have hypochondria and would read up on all sort of venereal diseases, look at pictures online and have myself repeated tested for HIV and the like. (Seriously, for someone who has only had sex once, getting three HIV tests seems excessive.) But actually, it was herpes that was my biggest fear. Still is....I don't think I'll be sad if I never have sex again. I'm ok with that. It just seems way too risky.

I digress...back to the bar: today, I engaged in destructive behavior similar to my hypochondriacal fits. At this point, I can't remember exactly what questions were on the bar, but I've been visiting websites and message groups related to bar failure and bar prep. It's driving me crazy. I've been trying to calculate my essay scores and have been working myself up into a frenzy.

Meanwhile, studying for the bar and taking the bar was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'd rather be publicly humiliated in front of my ex-boyfriend or be fat again than have to re-take the bar. It was that bad. So, I think that if I fail I will just kill myself. I can't imagine studying for it again. The anxiety nearly killed me the first time around. Won't do it again. But if I don't take it again, I have no future in law, my chosen profession. That leaves nothing but shame and self-hatred. I don't want to endure that either. Dying is the only choice.

It's not like my life is peaches and cream now. I've been doing the daily swimming. It's the best part of my day. The rest is down hill. This morning, before I left for swimming, I felt like death warmed over. Really hopeless and down. I started to complain to my parents about it. My dad promptly told me "well, since you've finished law school, why don't you get back on meds." I started to cry.

My dad seems to think that all that I've accomplished in the past 5 years I have accomplished despite being off meds. He doesn't get the fact that I've accomplished those things because I've been off meds. When I was on meds, I wasn't myself. I couldn't count on my self-control and diligence. I would constantly be late. I would steal things. I had no control over my eating. I couldn't think straight. It took me about seven years to finish college (including breaks and transfers). I didn't feel human.

Now, at least I'm accountable to myself. I finished law school in the standard three years with honors. I'm clean, I brush my teeth, I get out of bed, I go to work, I try hard, I swim. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I overeat and break my food rules. And, I'm hardly ever happy. But my life is predictable and I'm in control of it.

My dad believes that since I've finished law school and taken the bar that I have nothing to lose. If something goes wrong now, there will be nothing tangible to point to but my profound unhappiness. No bad grades. They probably wouldn't fire me at the job, even if my work started going down hill. Nothing. And if the meds don't work, it will be my own goddamn fault, like usual. (I don't think there's more blaming the patient in any medical field than psychiatry.)

So, that's what's been up with me.

High dose niacinamide --> Obstructive jaundice --> Eureka, orange skin

2010-07-28T20:29:00.004-05:00

Yes, I've made a break through!

It's been about five years since I've been on high dose (3g a day) niacinamide. It worked wonders on my depression and helped my skin too. But now, I believe its the culprit behind my constant orangeness. You see, I haven't really been eating many carrots. I have maybe two a week. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, I've been doing some reading up on niacinamide and apparently, it you take it for too long at too high a dose, you risk a relatively rare side effect -- liver damage. The liver...it's not like you need it or anything.

Supposedly the jaundice goes away once the niacinamide is withdrawn. That's good news. I wonder how long it will take. Do you think I'll kill myself from depression first from niacinamide withdrawal? Or will my skin revert to a normal color before that?

So much to look forward to. YAY!

PS The obstructive jaundice might also be a contributing factor (or THE cause) of my intermittent extreme itchiness. N'est-ce pas?

Depression and exercise

2010-07-28T20:23:00.003-05:00

When I'm nervous, I'm not depressed. I'm just nervous. It's like all the activation takes away the self-hate and the hopelessness. But when I'm not nervous, I'm depressed. Depression always follows a period of high anxiety. I've actually been dreading the end of the bar...a little.

Anyway, I've been trying to figure out a way to stave off the seemingly inevitable black cloud. I think I might start swimming again. Supposedly it helps with depression? I don't know. The problem is, I have to start before I get depressed, otherwise, I won't want to start. I think it might also get me toned up, which is something I'd like. I feel I'm just bone covered with a thin layer of fat. It's a little gross.

In fact, I'm already feeling a little depressed now..... :-( What's the point? I'm miserable when I'm depressed, I'm miserable when I'm anxious. Is there a common thread here? Yep.

I came, I saw, I failed the bar--but scored a phone number

2010-07-28T20:09:00.004-05:00

No...maybe I didn't fail. It's so freakin' hard to tell. You think you did passably well and then you start to discuss the questions with others and it's like--whoa. Who knew that notorizing a deed (in IL) qualifies as delivery? Seriously, that was TMI since I answered the question differently.

Whateva.

The bar was two days of excruciating unpleasantness. I was very nervous and would have done So much better if I had been passably sane for the past two days. But them's the breaks. I will follow my mom's advice and assume I passed. Because to do otherwise is madness. The disappointment of failing won't be any worse if I spend the next two months anticipating the worst.

Back to the important stuff. Generally, I'm not that social. I'm nervous, a little awkward, withdrawn. But I get a high after I've finished an exam. I become all friendly to my fellow humans. To get to the point, there was this guy who I sort of started talking to, or maybe he started talking to me in the exam room. We bumped into each other again on the way out. Uncharacteristically, I initiated suggesting that we exchange info. I gave him my email address and he gave me his contact info. Then, he proceeded to tell me that I should get in touch with him...or something like that. DUDE! I gave you my contact info first, that means you (as the guy) need to get your ass in gear and drop me an email. What is it with guys?

On the bright side, he did not seem uninterested. I guess I'm just practicing. I've decided that once I move out and start work and stuff I might go onto match.com or something. It is, after all, the next step to normalcy.

definitely not hungry lately

2010-07-04T20:46:00.002-05:00

So much has been going on. I've been trying to keep sane, but I'm hella nervous. The bar is inching closer. And I don't mean the dive down the street. There are three weeks and two days to go. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I'm trying to tell myself that there are plenty of good people, good lawyers, who fail the first time. And that really, I'll still be a worthwhile person. The thing that bothers me most about failing is having to go through this whole goddamn process again. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective. If I only start practicing law...let say...three years from now, then that's ok too.

But there have been other developments in my life. Since I lurve lists, here it goes, in list form:

I'm most certainly not hungry. This is upsetting because I'm very displeased with my body. I feel fleshy. But I only feel this way when I'm not down on myself for getting a bunch of contracts questions wrong. I figure, it's just another way for me to hate myself and that I should cut it out. Now is not the time to be obsessing over body crap. There's time for that after the bar. Meanwhile, I'm just trying not to overeat even though I'm under extreme stress.
I'm sick. I have a cold--yucko. And I know who I caught it from too. Really need to start carrying hand sanitizer with me on a daily basis. The ones at Ulta come in all sorts of nice flavors.
I'm orange. Again. This came on when I started getting sick. I have a theory about the color that has less to do with overeating carrots and more to do with liver failure. Yeah yeah...if you see hoof prints, think horse not zebra. But my experience makes me think zebra. First, for about 5 years I've been taking prescribed megadoses of b3 (niacinamide). And I've read that it has a bad effect on your liver after a while. Then, when I started to take magnesium glycinate, all of a sudden even though I was still eating carrots, I got much less orange. So I googled glycine and liver. Turns out glycine has a protective effect on the liver. Anyway, what I'm a little confused about is why I started getting more yellow when I got sick. Maybe elevated levels of inflammation?
I'm moving out.

WHAT??? WHAT WAS THAT???

Yes......I'm moving out. Out of my parents' house. I've found a place to live, after visiting a few apartments. Maybe I'm speaking too soon, but it looks like it's going to happen. The price is a little steep and I have no furniture and I have yet to sign, but my parents are very supportive and my mom even cried. So there. Move out date will probably be mid-sept, after the craziness of the bar and the MPRE. And, if I don't pass, at least I will have moved out.

See how I'm looking on the bright side?

Whoops

2010-06-25T17:56:00.002-05:00

In my attempt to get rid of chinese spam and migrate to Disqus comments, I accidentally erased all my previous comment. I feel REALLY bad about that. Still trying to see if I can somehow get them back.... :-(

But at least I should be safe from Chinese spam :-)

Chinese spam comments

2010-06-13T09:40:00.002-05:00

I hate them and I don't know how to screen them out. It's such a drag having to erase them individually. Anyone have any ideas? I know wordpress has a special anti-spam filter for comments, but blogspot, as far as I know, does not.

Alcohol --> bad idea

2010-06-13T09:23:00.003-05:00

You knew this post was coming. I had too much to drink last night after dinner. I suppose it was the equivalent of two drinks. Or maybe one and a half. Anyway, I started getting rebound anxiety by 10pm. That was unpleasant. Then, I woke up this morning with what I assume is a hangover. I don't usually overindulge like this, so I'm not that familiar with what hangovers are like.

But here's how I feel: Lethargic. Depressed. Unfocused. A little nervous (ok, so I'm always a little nervous). Depressed. Yeah, I mentioned that one already, but it's worth saying again. It's a teary kind of depression, not a self-hating kind of depression, though. I prefer teary, all in all.

I complained about my hangover at breakfast. And of course, my dad, lacking all self-control and self-censorship said something like, "yeah, I thought you were drinking too much last night." Like it's any of his fucking business what I do? (Please, I don't need it pointed out that I complained to him. But I wasn't complaining to him...I was just complaining, generally.) Can't I at least complain without getting berated for doing something I already knew was a bad idea?

It's statements like my dad's that make teenagers decide to do it--whatever "it" is--again, just to spite the parents. Luckily I'm not a teenager.

Shit, I can't even get down on my dad in a blog post without feeling sorry for him. He seems to be getting so old and he does so much for the family. And we take it all for granted. And he's so depressed all the time. He walks hunched over with sad eyes, shuffling a bit. Man....if I wasn't depressed before, I sure am now.

Alcohol

2010-06-11T20:55:00.003-05:00

I've been having some problems lately. With eating, that is. After dinner, after having eating, I have horrible cravings. No cravings before, but cravings after--for something, anything. I just can't stand it. It's like an intense anxiety. Anyway, I've been satisfying the urge with frozen peas. They taste like ice cream, if you haven't had ice cream in 5 years. Bottom line, they're sweet. But they're very high carb. Too many carbs will drive me a little batty, make me bloat, etc. So, I tried to go back to chocolate. But chocolate inevitably makes be SUPER depressed and anxious the next day.

The solution --> alcohol. I'm not a big drinker. One glass of anything gets me completely drunk. And I don't really like the taste. But if I get slightly drunk after dinner, my cravings go away. It's sort of nice. I wish I liked it a bit more. Maybe that would make me an alcoholic. Here's the routine: I have a couple fl oz of brandy with tea after dinner. It's carby, but not starchy like peas, so it's a big step up and not so hard on my digestion. And voila!!

The thing I look for after dinner is just a bit of calm. Alcohol does it. And it doesn't seem to make me depressed like valium or xanax. Just chills me out ever so slightly. (One day on valium and I'm hanging off the fire escape by my fingers. Not good.)

Non-sequitur alert........My dad, out of the blue, has developed psoriasis on his hands. This is not something that runs in the family or anything. I'm sort of worried about it. He went to a doctor and got a prescription for a corticosteroid cream. He eats a lot of dairy products and is constantly complaining about mucus in his throat. I think he should give up the dairy because of the opioid peptides--especially since that mucus business tends to be related to milk. He's very resistant and won't do it. Since he's been putting the cream on, his hands have improved, but I think once he stops with the cream, it will eventually come back.

I wish he would do some research online. He's of a generation that is very trusting of doctors. I'll admit I used to be that way too--before I was screwed over. This is not to say that everyone should diagnose themselves online. But sometimes anecdotal evidence and pubmed studies will uncover side-effects (and main effects) that the doc didn't bother to mention. For instance, my dad has been complaining of depression, but won't admit that perhaps the CORTICOSTEROIDS he's slathering on might somehow contribute to his bad mood.

So there's my rant....

Scared to death

2010-06-11T20:45:00.003-05:00

I'm so scared I'm going to fail the bar. It's not the failing itself that worries me. I can always take it again. I've got six chances before I can't take it anymore. I'm scared of the self-hate and shame that will ensue. I don't think I'll be able to take it. I might just have to kill myself. Don't know...it's a stupid thing to kill yourself because you failed some dumb test. But I wouldn't be killing myself because of the failure. I'd kill myself because of the bad feelings and the shame. There's a difference. Anyway, I feel like for the past few years I've just been itching for the right excuse to off myself. Failing the bar works.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...my dad would do anything for me. He loves me so much that sometimes I think he's pathetic for it. And I'm such a bitch to him. That alone is reason enough to kill myself.

Ugh. Today was not a good day. Could you guess?

Maybe tomorrow will be better. It's funny how my law school grades that I was so proud of just a few weeks ago mean SHIT now.

P.S. Sometimes I feel like if I got a good grade everyone got a good grade. But that's not true. I asked my friend what she got in Consumer Law. She got a B- while I got an A. Obviously I didn't tell her my grade. Why on earth would I want to make her feel bad? I wouldn't. She's fabulous. I really like her. There's potential for a real, lasting, substantive friendship. Bridesmaid material...should I ever get married. We have some difference of opinion. For instance, she doesn't believe in evolution. Minor issue. So we just don't talk about science. No prob. We talk about the law--we see eye to eye on that at least.

P.P.S. If I ever got married (which is the next goal after bar admission and moving out of the house) I don't think it would be a big affair. So there might not even be a wedding, per se.

It's official

2010-06-05T07:32:00.003-05:00

I am a law school graduate. J.D. :-D My last two grades came in this morning. Surprisingly, this was my best semester yet. It was straight A's with only one minus. That was weird considering the fact that I was expecting a couple of B minuses. But that's HungryGirl for you. I've never had a very firm grasp on reality.***

Can't believe it's officially OVER. Except for the large purple elephant in the corner--strict liability for wild animals. The bar. And the smaller pink armadillo. The MPRE.

***I did think I won a CALI (highest grade) in one of my classes. That wasn't forthcoming. :,-( If I had won, I probably would have gotten an email from the prof, which I didn't. How sad that I was obsessively checking my school account for that letter this past week. (Cringing just thinking about it.)

Fluctuation

2010-05-30T13:13:00.003-05:00

All day I haven't been feeling too hot. Maybe it's because I ate "high-ish carb" yesterday. Or maybe it's moonspots. I'm dissatisfied with my body, irritable (uncomfortable in my skin) and generally not feeling 100%. It could be inositol withdrawal. Over the past two days I've had maybe 1g total of inositol. As usual, I'm drinking less, which is a relief. My stomach isn't bulging like it did. The withdrawal doesn't feel like it did last time (around graduation). I think that's because I've been taking the magnesium glycinate. It makes quite a bit of difference, I think.

Non-sequitur alert: I slept like shit last night. Don't know why--probably the carb thing again. I promise to be more diet-responsible today. Can you believe I ate a grapefruit? Usually, fruits drive me bat-shit crazy. But since I've been taking the magnesium glycinate, I can eat them and still feel in my right mind. So, I took advantage of that and had a fruit. Apparently, fruit will still make feel like crap in other ways.

The day started off ok. I woke up feeling good--thought it would be a good day. Had some urge to maybe go out an rollerblade, which is a little bizarre. I might still go, but I'm very fixated on my arms. I feel them moving...jiggling. And when I feel the jiggle, I'm consumed by self-hate. Perhaps its better to stay very very still. I know it's my mood because I don't always feel parts of my body like this. Also, I feel like picking a fight with someone. My mother, maybe? It's been a while since we've fought. But it's always so painful and I do hate to hurt her.

Update: supplements, anxiety, meds

2010-05-28T19:16:00.004-05:00

I've decided not to take the ketoconazole. I mean, I did take it for two days, but it did not give me a good feeling. It was nothing like the last time I took it. Very weird. It gave me carb cravings. Anyway, I've still got it stashed away. If I want to take it in the future, it will be there.

On the inositol front: I've decided to stop that too. Whoops. I totally forgot to mention on this blog that my first attempt at giving it up FAILED. I went three days without it cold turkey. It was baaad. I got very depersonalized. Particularly, I had these obsessive thoughts about time. "Time is passing" and "I'm in the now now but I will remember this moment an hour/a day from now and this moment won't be real." Normal people don't dwell on this crap. Time passes, sure, but it doesn't take over most peoples' thoughts. Also, I think it's made me gain weight. It's true that I wasn't off it long enough to determine whether the "water weight" is actually water or whether I just got FAT. But after doing some online searches, inositol does in fact make some people [don't jump down my throat, I know it's a great help to some PCOS gals] gain weight.

But this all means that I need to find something to cut down on my gosh darn anxiety. I think I have found the next great thing. We will see whether it performs as I'd like. It's magnesium glycinate. I got it yesterday. It certainly takes the edge off, but I think it also makes me a little itchy. What is it with me and itching. Isn't there anything I can take to make me calmer that doesn't also make me burn and itch all over. It's some sort of cholinergic mechanism.... But it could also be that I only took 1 gram of inositol today. Sometimes, withdrawal from the inositol causes itching too.

I really hope I can keep taking the magnesium glycinate. It actually makes me a little less depressed. On a scale of 5, I'd rate it a 4. But again, it's only day one.

Side note: I've been having cravings, though. Cravings are never pleasant. It's overactive dopamine. When I take something to calm me down, they go away. But if I go anywhere near vitamin B12, I'm Ms. Binge-Eater. Yucko.

So, there's the news that's fit to print.

BarBri is bullshit

2010-05-27T21:17:00.004-05:00

I started my BarBri (bar review) course. The first week is an "intensive review." This is a misnomer. They don't review any material, rather, they have you do loads multiple choice questions WITHOUT a review. What's the point of that? Aren't you supposed to study before taking a test? Isn't that how you learn. Of course, with their approach, you end up getting all the answers wrong. I'm sure this is to make you "appreciate" how much the bar review course will have taught you by the end. But it's inherently manipulative, not to mention anxiety-provoking. I don't want to be taking a 100 question, 3 hour, MBE practice test on the 3rd day of the course without having had a chance to review material I was last taught three years ago.

Meanwhile, since I'm getting only about 1/2 the questions right, I'm panicking that I won't be able to raise my score high enough in the next two months to pass. FUCK THEM ALL!!!!!!!

If I weren't super paranoid about my character and fitness admittance, I'd probably be making some quasi-humorous death threats right about now. But of course, I'm not doing that, not even as a joke. See guys, I am fit to be a lawyer.

The future

2010-05-22T19:24:00.003-05:00

BarBri starts monday. I'm a little freaked out about that. They sent me about 40lbs of books. I don't think I'd have such a hard time in the classes if I didn't have to sit with a whole bunch of other people listening to someone lecture.

Meanwhile, I have some drug experiments planned. Nothing way out and crazy. And, I won't do it really close to the bar. But I've been itching to try this thing....it's something that I've taken before: ketoconazole. It's an anti-fungal, but it also blocks the synthesis of cortisol. The last time I took it (5 or 6 years ago?) I was in heaven for about 1.5 months. I was unflappable. Not happy, per se, but TOTALLY not irritable. My whole life has been marked by extreme irritability, to sounds, visual cues, tactile stimulus, whatever. The 200mg of ketoconazole I took completely eliminated that. Unfortunately, it stopped working after 1.5 months and I went back to my usual unpleasant self. So, I stopped taking it. That was probably for the best because it's not a long-term treatment. It's bad for your liver.

Inositol update: I haven't taken any inositol since Wednesday. I really feel like having some though. RIGHT NOW!!! I want that calm happy. Meanwhile, I'm still bloated. I'd like to think it's just water and not *gasp* fat. I'm consoled by the fact that my rings are tight. Usually, my fingers aren't the first things to get fat, especially since my bras aren't much tighter at all. In general, since I stopped taking the inositol, I'm drinking much less. I was up to more than a gallon a day. I've cut my intake by half, I'd say. That's really nice for many reasons. First, I don't have to pee all the time. Second, there has been some water loss. It usually takes a full week for me to deflate, though. And, it's only been about three days.

Graduation

2010-05-22T19:16:00.003-05:00

I graduated law school today. I'd been day dreaming about that graduation moment for a long time. The reality of it--the crowds, the fuss, the dark drab auditorium--makes it clear that I'm nothing but an optimist. I was imagining something bright, cheery, safe and warm, where I was the only one walking up to get my diploma. Reality check! If I had to sum it up, I'd say it was cross between highly anxiety provoking (will I trip? who is looking at me?) and tacky to the extreme.

Despite my overall craziness, depression, anxiety, miscellaneous neuroses, I always imagine things will be better and different. Shouldn't I know better by now?

But it's done. We went out to eat afterwards and that was really nice. Then I came home and had a small piece of chocolate. Second day of chocolate in a row. I hadn't had any for about a month before this. Still, two days in a row is enough to go through withdrawal if I don't have any tomorrow.

Diarrhea of the fingers

2010-05-19T23:22:00.003-05:00

I don't know what's up with me today. Feeling a little depersonalized right now. Oh, I know. I totally forgot to keep this blog updated on my physical maladies. First off, I started the spring finals season with a cold. I'm just at the tail end of it now. Not pleasant. It only had two really bad post-nasal drip days. Those are the worst.

Remember back when I was shitting pellets? Yeah, I know you keep track of all this because it really matters. Whatever, I know I'm just talking to myself, so why censor? Anyway, I stopped eating gumballs and eating coldcuts from wholefoods and ta-da--no pebbles. That's always a relief.

And now for the newest development in my health saga: I'm having excruciating back pain. Don't freak out, but I think it has something to do with the inositol. The more I take, the worse it gets. And it comes and goes during the day depending on what I've eaten. It is completely bizarre. Lower back...pain radiating down all the way to my calves. Lying on the floor doesn't really help; ibuprofin doesn't really help; lying with my knees elevated doesn't really help. Sometimes the pain takes my breath away, literally.

"Everyzing below zee vaist is kaput."

Speaking of below the waist, I wonder when I'm ever going to have a boyfriend. The social life business has been lacking recently. Though I'm still so glad I dumped the last guy I dated. What a waste of time he was: total narcissist, vegan, christ-complex-ed asshole. I know I'm supposed to say something non-committal like, "we just weren't right for each other." And that's what I would say to anyone else in the entire world. But this is my blog, not real life. Bottom line, he couldn't love me. And, he was stupid. And even if he had loved me, I didn't love him. So there.

I think of my life as a series of projects (that is, when I'm not thinking of off-ing myself). The law school project can be checked off the list. Bar and MPRE are next. Then I need a job.** Then I need a boyfriend/husband. I've been thinking of the boyfriend/husband thing for a while now. Unfortunately, I think career has to take precedence. Doesn't matter, I hope it will all be sorted out within the next five years. I'll keep you updated. It's not about fulfillment, or even about happiness. I'm just trying to be like everyone else and do what others do.

But I don't think I'll ever have children. I'd hate to give birth to someone as miserable as me. Why put them through all that crap. Meanwhile, there are these horrible environmental catastrophes happening. What will be left for the future generations? It will just be the super rich who will be able to insulate themselves from the degradation of the natural world. Ugh.

** It occurs to me that I did not include "move out of my parents' house" as one of my goals. But honestly, I'm not sure that's essential. I would prefer it, but I'm a traditional girl. I'd be ok just dating someone while living at home. Don't think I really want to "sleep over" and share tooth brushes. That can wait. In any case, I feel very territorial over my body. Not sure I want anyone touching me. I've spoken to my mother about this actually. She said that when you really love someone, it's not awkward and you don't feel so territorial. I haven't been in love in 10 years. And I can't remember how I felt about the physical part then. I think I liked it. But I'm not sure--I've been fucked up for so long.

Sometimes I'm confused. Who's the real me? The me I was in high school? The me I was when I was severely restricting my diet, in and after college? The me I am now, living in a fog of despair and anxiety? I need some clarity. Please!!

Relatives

2010-05-19T23:07:00.008-05:00

My parents: I think they're humoring me. They keep saying things like, "we're so proud" and "I can't believe you did it." The latter is slightly offensive. Yes, I know I'm fucked up, but I didn't know you guys thought I was a mental cripple. It's a little embarrassing how surprised and relieved they are.

I'll probably spend the next week obsessively checking for my grades online. They probably won't be up until I couldn't care less about them

My grandmother: She's flying in on Friday for graduation, if all goes well. We had a little scare earlier in the week that she wouldn't come. There's been some tension in the family. She took offense at the fact that my dad (who, by the way, is the perfect son and calls he DAILY) had to hang up sooner than he would have otherwise because I came home traumatized by one of my exams. She likes to think I'm totally normal and my parents are somehow being indulgent in catering to my emotional needs. But she doesn't get the fact that every birthday is a victory for me. I never thought I'd reach 30.

30??? Where the fruck did that come from? It makes think of that scene in Grosse Pointe Blank with John Cusack and Jeremy Piven in the car: "Ten YEARS!!" That's one of my favorite movies of all time. Reminds me of my old high school love. Sometimes I think of him. But then I remember that it's just a memory. He's different now. He isn't the person I knew. I'm probably different too.

Speaking of being different: I saw a girl on the street today who I went to high school with. She gave me a long, hard, unfriendly look as she was puffing on a cigarette. Good for her. I hope she gets cancer. High school is that period of time where you meet people and you remember their names. It's not like law school where everything is hazy and you know peoples' faces and nothing else. Or maybe it's just me who was in a fog during law school.

I can't say that law school was a failure for me socially. I made two friends who I hope to keep in touch with. There are other people who I've "met" and had extended interactions with who I think like me. Or in any case, I sort of like them. These things tend to be mutual.

Time to move on to my next post....

It's over

2010-05-19T22:56:00.003-05:00

I completed 14 hours of testing in the past week and a half. Five exams, in total. My hunch is I passed. Graduation is on Saturday.

My last exam ended a little after nine tonight. It was somewhat anti-climactic. The prof was an imbecile. It was her first year teaching. The exam was horrendous. It had six long questions that spanned nine pages. Even five hours wouldn't have been enough time to answer the questions properly. The students were a little shell-shocked. Most of them either (1) did not complete all the questions or (2) completed them in a very cursory manner. It makes me angry. I worked hard, I studied, I did a whole lot of practice exams, but the test did not allow me to demonstrate my knowledge. It was a freaking mess.

Given how poorly everyone else did, I'm fairly certain I didn't fail. But it would have been nice to go out with a bang. Maybe this was a bang. But it was a *bad* bang.

Mentally, I'm not sure where I'm at. I know I need to withdraw from the inositol so that I can fit into my clothing. I just hate being bloated like this. But I'm worried about the impending panic attacks and bad mood. I'm feeling depressed just thinking about it.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...there's the bar to contend with. Then the MPRE, which I was foolish enough not to take earlier. I figure it will be a good thing for me to have the MPRE to take once I've finished the bar. It will be like a cooling off/jogging lap that runners do. It will ease me into the existential angst of joblessness and depression that will surely follow.

Maybe I should kill myself before the bar. I'm so freaked out that three years have passed. I remember when it all started. Seems like yesterday. Cliche but true.

All I want is happiness, but I fear I'm destined for misery.

Fell off the wagon

2010-05-06T20:21:00.004-05:00

I started the morning with moderate inositol intake and was feeling smug and proud of myself. I totaled only about 6 grams by noon. In fact, I was feeling quite slender. Then, something happened. I don't know what. But I felt like I was going to die from anxiety. Nothing I was reading was sinking in, I felt like my world was caving in and that the only way out was the window. I panicked and downed the rest of the bottle.

Now, I'm calm, but my stomach looks like someone shoved a basketball inside it. I think that a couple days of moderate inositol after my last final will enable me to fit into my graduation clothing. But I sure don't like worrying about it. When my eyes are glazed and I'm shoving fist after fist full of capsules into my mouth, I'm not exactly thinking of my svelte figure.

Part of the anxiety, I think, was that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I was trying to condense my entire 60 page estates outline in one day. Yuck. I got about halfway through. But I should never have set the goal so high. It's a kind of heady thought that estates is my very last final. Ever. Wow.

Why I never speak to other law students

2010-05-02T19:06:00.004-05:00

They're all so nervous that it's catchy. "This professor gives the hardest exams." "He's so senile he changes the character in his hypos mid-way through so you don't know what's going on." "Last year someone got a [fill in a bad grade].....even though they [fill in the blank: studied hard? went down on the professor--j/k I don't think anyone does that].

When they're not nervous, the spend the entire time talking about what hot shit they are. "I'd rather get an A- in all my courses than win a CALI (highest grade in the class) and get a B." On the face of it, it's not the most obnoxious thing I've heard in law school. Not even close. But I really wanted to slam the guy who said that and he's supposedly my friend, or an ally--the law school equivalent. After all, he's asked for my class notes a good three times this semester alone.

Meanwhile, Mr. Law Review Editor-and-Chief, whose acquaintance I recently made, is a total slimeball. He's so darn likable and fake. He's going to be clerking next year. Good for him. But, judging by his tiny feet, he'd give it up for an extra inch in the briefs. Or maybe not. I'll never find out, that's for sure.

I don't think I could ever handle clerking. It's very high stress and probably involves getting shat on a lot by the judge. I do wonder how I will handle real life. A job, life on my own?

My friend in another city keeps writing to me about how we should take a trip together. But I can't fake normal for that long. Besides, she doesn't know I'm in law school and I bet she'd be pissed off if I told her. How could I not if we were in the same place for an extended period of time. She wouldn't like it very much if crazy little friend was getting on with life. Then she wouldn't be the cool one in the relationship. Speak of the devil, she just texted me.

Addiction

2010-05-02T18:43:00.003-05:00

My body gets "used" to things in a heartbeat. I have gotten addicted to inositol. I take many many grams of it a day. And when I stop, I feel HORRIBLY nervous. It's not all good though, if I take too much of it, it makes me bloat painfully and retain water.

On the studying front: I have most trouble when I have to switch gears, move from one subject to another. Today was my first day studying for insurance law. It wasn't too successful. I condensed my outline into 4 pages, so I guess that's good. Tomorrow, I'll practice with exams. But I need to save some energy for the test day. The exam is at 6pm, which means I'll have to save a couple of problems for that morning. It will be my third exam, the halfway point. In retrospect, I'm not sure I needed a full 2.5 days to study for this two credit course. 1.5 would have been enough.

I am proud of myself, though. In previous semester I have used finals as a license to binge eat (generally nuts). It never made me calmer. In fact, I usually felt worse, assaulted by all that food. This time around, though, I have realized that it's best to just maintain the status quo as best I can. So far so good. Also, unlike the previous semester, this exam season is longer than the usual two or three weeks. Two days after graduation, I start BarBri.

Except for the inositol business. I'm single-handedly supporting the online nutraceutical business. In fact, I've been trying to cut back, but somehow, I can never manage. I think I'm the first person to ever binge on vitamins. I tell myself, just two. But before I know it, I'm back to the bottle and have eaten another 6 or 10 little inositol caps. Part of the problem is that they're sweet and I chew them. But I seem to need them a lot more when I'm nervous. I'm trying to limit myself to one bottle a day. Not only is this getting to be a little expensive, it's prima facie weird.

PS I sound kind of normal, as I reread this post. But at 12pm after eating some frozen chicken, I wanted to kill myself. That when I decided, screw it, and polished off almost the whole inositol bottle. Result -- I'm still here.

PPS I really doubt there's anyone at school quite as crazy as me. Or maybe they are, but I'm sure their academic lives aren't as impaired as mine.

PPPS These 2L go-getters piss me off. I remember when that was me last year at this time, gearing up for my second semester of straight A's. But I've mellowed since then.

More on the family dynamic

2010-04-25T19:22:00.002-05:00

As if my nuclear family weren't complicated enough. The grandmother is flying in for graduation. This is not ideal. She'll spend all her time talking about how great the other grandchildren are. (And if you think I'm fucked up, you ain't seen nothing 'til you've seen them. Gives you an idea of how out of touch with reality my grandmother is.)

Meanwhile, my grandmother has been mercifully shielded from the true extent of my craziness, sometimes by my parents, and other times by her own wishful thinking. Whenever I have to spend extended periods of time with her, I have a sadistic urge to shove her nose into the reality of my life. Generally, I fight off the urge until she becomes nasty. Yes, nasty. It's not enough that she harps on my far inferior cousins, she also puts me down. The whole, you-look-so-much-nicer-in-makeup type comments are but one variation on a theme of meanness.

I'm not looking forward to her visit.

Long time, no post.

2010-04-25T19:06:00.003-05:00

I've been stressed out. There's officially less than one month to go of all this law school madness. Naturally, I have all my time plotted out on a study schedule. I've been worried that there won't be enough time to study for everything. But in the past, I've been upset because there's been too much time, which inevitably has made me more nervous. All in all, I think I do best when there's less time to worry. How's that for cup half full?

I can't wait until 4/19/10, 9:00pm. It will all be over by then. To be honest, I already know it will be a big anti-climactic moment. In fact, I can't even allow myself to think about it too much because the goal is too close. In my earlier semesters of law school I would think about the walk to get my diploma with my parents in the audience. Now, my fantasy has switched to my parents watching while I get sworn in. That's a much safer, farther away goal.

Speaking of my parents, my mom's been out of the country for two weeks. When she left, I was a little scared. It was just me and my dad and we haven't really gotten along that well since I was 23 or so. But it's occurred to me that it's not my dad I don't get along with, it's the three of us in one house that I can't stand. Three is too many. When it's me and my mom, things are fine. When it's me and my dad, things are fine. On the other hand, when both are around, it's as if I have to chose who I'm nice to. This could all be my sick imagination, but I think there might be a little competitiveness between my parents. My mom leaves, my dad and I get all close and friendly, she comes back, and she's the odd man out. She gets a little disgruntled. Oh, I have no idea. That's probably not it. It's just my own bullshit.

She's definitely cold to me when she comes homes. We email a lot while she's gone and I always put on a brave/happy face for her. Then she comes home and sees what a wreck I am and think I'm FAKING IT for attention. Or something along those lines. She doesn't get that maybe the happiness is the fakeness. But it's not really fake. I make sure to write to her only when I feel good. In contrast, when she's home, I only seek her out when I feel like crap.

So that's the family dynamic. Healthy, no?

On the bright side, I do see that three is not company. Rather, it's too much company. I think I'd do ok on my own, in my own little apartment. I suppose I'd need a job and a living before that all worked out, though. No plans on that front. One day at a time.

P.S. Is it awful when a blogger's every sentence starts with "I?" I think so, but there's not much I can do about it. It's not like I telling a story about some other main character. The only thing I ever write about is me.

Not a red letter day. [wrote this yesterday...forgot to post]

2010-04-11T19:51:00.003-05:00

Honestly, the past two days have been hard. Eating has been (a little) out of hand. I've been feeling some depersonalization, the usual nausea and anxiety. I still don't have enough productive hours in the day.

The little supplement breakthrough about which I gave few details sort of went kaplooey. A technical term. Meanwhile, I'm broken out. This is the weirdest thing of all, actually.

I had the spate of acne when I started eating chocolate. It calmed down a bit when I stopped eating it. But now it's back. Even worse. I haven't had to worry about my skin in years. WFT? I mean, it's not bad. But I have a number of *almost* zits/small white heads. Obviously, I have learned that YOU DO NOT TOUCH THOSE. So, I haven't. And I'm waiting for them to fade.

Meanwhile, my dad broke it to me today that I was "looking a little orange" again. But I swear, I haven't been eating that many carrots. I don't even have them every day anymore. And when I do eat them, I stick to one or two, max.

Food/diet modification update

2010-04-08T19:47:00.005-05:00

The story with chocolate:

It's been four days since my last piece of chocolate. I feel better without it, I think. It hasn't been a particular hardship to give it up. My suspicion is that it was constipating me a bit, too. No turd should (a) be the size of a macadamia nut and (b) bounce against the toilet bowl. So, good riddance.
There hasn't been withdrawal. Initially, I felt calmer and sadder during the time after dinner when I would be expecting to have chocolate. But other than that...nada.

Eggs, to remove or not to remove? (I'm just free associating here...bear with me):

I've noticed that I get more nausea and depersonalization when I eat eggs. On Monday and Tuesday, I had very little DP. In fact, I was virtually normal. Between those two days, I had one egg.
It's true that I also get more DP when I eat too many carbs.
And, generally, eating more eggs and eating more carbs go together. I mean, who needs more than one egg at a sitting? But when I go hog wild, I have an egg and maybe four whites. Of course, no egg is complete without copious amounts of frozen peas. Then all the shit hits the fan and I'm out of commission [mentally] for about two or three hours.
On a different note, Monday and Tuesday were also relatively low calorie days. I feel much less DP when I eat very little.
The problem is, I can eat very little (600 cals) for about two days in a row but then my body feels the need to compensate. I'm ok with that. At this point, all my dietary modifications are mood/anxiety/concentration driven, not "thin" driven. The thing I'm NOT ok with is that when I eat more, I can't think.
But I have to eat, because not eating...it doesn't seem like it's the right thing to do, health-wise.
Is it maturity kicking in? I no longer want to starve myself. But god damn it, I want to be functional!!

Considering fasting again

This is after all, the "Fasting for Sanity" blog. And it did help for a while.
The key is to figure out a way to keep cortisol at a manageable level during the fast. (I think I may have a vitamin regime worked out...but we'll see if it works long-term.)
The problem is, I wake up feeling all tight and nervous, feeling--sometimes hungry, sometimes not--that I need to eat.
I wonder what would happen if I braved it out? It has been a while since I fasted seriously.
But things have been alright recently. At least not horrible. Maybe I shouldn't risk changing my routine.
The problem with eating is that it throws me for a loop and feel like crap for four hours. This is even eating the very minimum!
It's getting close to finals and I need more functionality.

PS I don't know what's up with all these bullet point. I think I'm in outlining mode.

The Big 3-0

2010-04-08T19:25:00.003-05:00

This week, I turned 30. I'm sort of in denial about it. Thirty is definitely the most shocking birthday of my life. I've never been surprised about a birthday before, though, turning 10 was a big step. "You've made it into the double digits, sweetie pie."

For a long time I never thought I'd make it to 30, figuring I'd off myself. These days, I've reconciled myself with the fact that I'm too much of coward to kill myself. I suppose there are days when I doubt I'll make it to 35. For now, I know I will at least make it to November. That's when the bar results come it. By that time, I'll be halfway to 31. And 1/10th to 35, if my math is right--which it very well might not be.

Here's a run down of my special day: I woke up and found three cards waiting for me. One each from my dad, my mom, and my grandmother. My parents' cards were super. One of them was HUGE. My grandmother, notoriously without any identifiable sense of humor, expressed her anger toward me by sending be a card with a dog pissing on birthday candles in lieu of the usual pink flowery/glittery number she usually sends. Yes, I haven't seen her in an entire year--I'm a BAD granddaughter. On the bright side, her card included a check.

Then, at school, I got a real live present!! It's proof that I have a friend. She bought me gluten-free cupcakes--I was touched. She's known me for less than a year, but we've bonded over evidence. Meanwhile, my friend from college who's known me much longer, who I text with all the time, and who's birthday I never forget, can't manage to get the day straight. Her first happy birthday text happened in early March, though a more appropriately-timed one followed.

Then, after a long day (8:30am - 9:15pm) I came home and was greeted by my parents with a small bottle of New Mexico champagne and three flutes. I proceeded to get drunk on one glass.

It was the best birthday of my entire life.

Existential crisis

2010-04-04T20:56:00.003-05:00

Help! I can't smell!!!!

I've spritzed all the perfumes I really hate just to see if I can smell them (or, alternatively, whether I like them). On the sad side, I just barely smell them. On the happy side, what I can smell is not too bad.

But what does this mean? What is reality? Are these perfumes actually ok? Is what I smell now real? Or was what I smelled last week real? Which version do I trust? I feel this way about my moods too. Are the bad moods an aberration? Or are the good moods an aberration? Am I baseline happy just going through a rough patch? Or am I a crazy depressive with mere isolated moments of sanity?

Back to fragrance: My parents, just to give you some frame of reference, have hated just about everything I've tried. They have very sensitive noses. The more mild the smell, the better.

The Sisley #3 sample I have stashed away that I swore I wouldn't touch again b/c it smelled like the inside of an airplane + sweaty flight attendant is now on my hand. And I can sort of smell it. But it smells more rosey than anything else. The Joe Malone Vanilla Anise that smelled like skunk two weeks ago smells "fresh, bright, slightly minty" and almost nice.

I need a fellow "moody person" to replicate my change in smell experiments. Any takers?

Things are looking up

2010-04-04T20:20:00.003-05:00

Maybe I'm saying this through my caffeine-/chocolate- induced high, but today (and yesterday) things were definitely better.

I think I have figured out a way to ease the ever-present nausea I feel. I don't want to speak about it just yet. Two days is too soon to tell. But I have high hopes. Overall, I've had more productive minutes and moments of clarity than I've had in a while.

In fact, I think I'm feeling less of the depersonalization. This is a very happy thing.

Side note: I think there's something wrong with my sense of smell. It's going away. What's funny is that when I'm irritable, it comes back. Occasionally, I'll have moments when sounds are very loud and they hurt my ears. In those moments, I can also smell very well. I think there something dopamine related going on with smell. Since the smell business has been mostly recreational for me, I haven't bothered researching it. But maybe I should. It is, after all probably connected.

Side note II: I hate how on Pandora, every time you change the station you get an ad. It's maddening!!

Uggg, overate...

2010-04-04T20:10:00.003-05:00

...for no reason. We had roast chicken tonight. I was so moderate all day and then I stuffed myself. It's not even about the calories. I just don't feel good full. And I feel powerful when I've eaten less. There came a point in the meal where I could have said, "no, I'm full."

Meanwhile, I'm still on the chocolate bandwagon. A little bit after dinner. 20mg of caffeine. The caffeine makes me feel like overeating, actually. But if I take a bit of choline, it tamps things down a little.

Chocolate pros and cons:

PROS

It obviates the need for sweet dessert like peas or carrots, which just screw me up in other ways and never satisfy me anyway.
It makes me high. Feels kind of nice.

CONS

It makes me break out. The ear acne has abated, but there is something nasty growing on my chin. It's not visible, but I feel it under the skin and it worries me.
It's addictive. Since we're getting close to finals, I will probably have to keep eating it or go through VERY inopportune withdrawal. For instance, getting off caffeine during the middle of my first semester of law school might not have been my most brilliant idea.
I wake up feeling hung over.
It gives me intense cravings if I don't take choline to counteract it.
Sometimes makes it hard to sleep.

There are more cons, for sure. But the pro of not eating carrots and peas to excess can't be underestimated. I look forward to being much less orange in the future. *Fingers crossed.* Seriously. I look like someone gave me a bad fake tan. That sh*t looks so tacky! Which is not to say some people can't make it work. Oompa loompa has never been something I aspire to.

Things that make for a bad day

2010-04-03T08:56:00.003-05:00

Another list post....

High stress - much harder to control eating on those days.
Too much inositol - it makes me foggy, nervous, and never feel sated when I eat. A little is ok, though, and takes the edge off.
Too many carbs - this doesn't need much explanation. They make me nervous, blood sugar goes haywire.
Too many salicylates - this includes anything mint/citrus/spicy; makes my blood sugar drop...I get nervous...I eat more. This is a particularly nasty category. For instance, herbal teas, which I like, are notably bad.
dhea - just doesn't feel right when I take it.
Eating off plan - eating anything I don't usually eat is not a good thing. Recent examples of off-plan eating --> yams, carob chips, fruit (I haven't done this one in a while, though), OATS. Notably, they are all carb-y.
Overeating in the morning - the morning sets the tone for my whole day. Once I make it to 11:30 without having overeaten, I know I'm safe(r).

My fan club

2010-04-01T15:15:00.005-05:00

It has one member.

It's is a guy who I dated briefly after I graduated from college. I hadn't seen him in six years and then, there he was just-a-walkin-down-the-street-singin-do-wa-diddy--walking to work. I said hi. He hugged me, gave me his business card. And, ta-da! I networked. (Networking is a big thing they tell you to do in law school. Schmooze up the people who can help you get a job.) He said, get in touch, let's catch up.

Catching up is not my thing. Besides I know everything I need to know about Mr. Old Flame via google. He's married. [Yeah, this is the guy I might have mentioned in a previous post.] The woman he's married to is no great shakes looks-wise and is significantly older than he is. Before you ask, yes, that does make me happy. Regardless, I had no intention of actually writing/calling him.

Then, from out of nowhere, he writes me an email. It's all warmth and flattery. He was very good at all that. It's no skin off his nose now that he's earning the big bucks and is socially situated. Completely meaningless. But then he ends the letter "your fan always."

So I guess that means I have a fan club.

PS I wonder. Does he not want children? He struck me as a guy who intended to propagate his seed. (Is that even the right turn of phrase?) But his wife is only about 5 years from menopause. Maybe they can adopt.

My god I'm a nasty bitch.

Still crazy

2010-04-01T15:08:00.003-05:00

Not much has changed. I'm super duper constipated. My face is all bloated looking. Rings are tight. Today was an ok day so far. Except for the depersonalization. It's not as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago (or was that just one week?).

Anyway, I still feel weird. This morning, for instance, I was saying my name in my head--my first name. It didn't sound like me. I thought "wow, what an exotic name." In fact, my name is not exotic. It's a run of the mill, cross-cultural/international name, more popular in some countries than in others. I imagined someone saying my name and it feeling strange that the name should be hooked up somehow with me.

That was earlier, now I'm just freaking out about my hands moving again...typing on the keyboard by themselves. Weird. But I'm not particularly depressed, so things could be worse.

Nausea after eating

2010-03-28T19:23:00.004-05:00

I've been struggling with nausea after eating for a while now. I haven't really written about it because it's just the norm. It happens about two hours after I eat.

The best way I can describe it is this: it feels like hypoglycemia. Or maybe that's just what I label it. But instead of getting hunger pangs, I just get nauseous. It's been impossible to fix. The thing that came closest to helping was the high-DHA fish oil. But I don't see how feeling suicidal is preferable to a little nausea. Obviously, there are mood changes that come along with the nausea, such as extreme anxiety. Altogether, it's not a pleasant experience. Of course, if i were to kill myself, the anxiety and nausea would no longer be a problem.

Back at the ranch: I've been reading about selenium and I want to try some. Some "studies show" that it helps blood sugar control and lowers cortisol. Other studies say that high selenium is a predictor for type 2 diabetes. Maybe that study just showed a correlation between selenium and type 2. In any case, most of the selenium out there is made from wheat...or yeast. So I'd have to find some that isn't.

Chocolate and acne

2010-03-28T19:19:00.002-05:00

I know there have been other things going on recently, ie, the oats business. But over the past week I have also been eating chocolate. And it's making me break out...inside my ears!! I'm pretty sure its the chocolate because it was going on before I tried the oats this weekend.

So far, I've had three inner ear zits. And of course, I have to pick at them. If they were on my face, I probably wouldn't pick because I don't want scars and it ALWAYS looks worse after you pick. Inside my ears however, who gives a shit what it looks like.

Scents and supplements

2010-03-28T19:00:00.003-05:00

I got a sample of Coco (by Chanel) in the mail yesterday. It was horrendous. I wondered why anyone would ever inflict this on themselves or others. There was some sort of chemically under-smell--technical term? I kept on waiting for it to "dry down," but it never did.

I've noticed that sometimes it takes me a little while to understand a fragrance. So I never try it only once. Today, after dinner, I decided to test it again. I had taken some inositol and choline. I'd also had some baker's chocolate. Now, I cannot smell that horrible undertone...at all. It's bizarre. It must still be there, because I sure as heck didn't imagine it.

Despite this transformation, I'm afraid to wear it out for fear that someone else will smell it and brand me a zombie risen from the 1980's dead.

I did some research on Coco. Fragrantic.com says: "Top notes are coriander, grenade blossom, mandarin orange, peach, jasmine and bulgarian rose; middle notes are mimose, cloves, orange blossom, clover and rose; base notes are labdanum, amber, sandalwood, tonka bean, opoponax, civet and vanilla." So where was that gross chemical note coming from?

There is also a third possibility (did I present the first two yet? just go with it): I was wearing Cinema* by YSL earlier in the day. It had not worn off entirely and you could still smell a bit of sweet vanilla. Could it be that the left over Cinema canceled out the offensive Coco smell?

* I got the Cinema, unsmelled, from ebay. It was cheap and I wasn't crazy about it when I first put it on. But it's grown on me.

The Aftermath

2010-03-28T18:40:00.003-05:00

The oats made me SO SICK. I didn't feel like myself at all. (Yeah, that's funny coming from someone who's been dealing with depersonalization for the past few weeks.) It's like I was transported to the horrible pre-gluten-free days. I guess I'm one of those celiacs who doesn't do well with avenin, one of the oat proteins. "Avenin is a prolamine that is toxic to the intestinal submucosa and can trigger a reaction in some celiacs." Thanks wikipedia.

Today was much better than yesterday which was spent mostly in a daze, sitting in one place, tense, with chaos in my head. I woke up with my entire body swollen and my stomach sticking out like someone had stuffed a basketball inside me. I was also sore in my intestines. My eyes were swollen and so were my fingers. My ring was tight. My face was moon-like. Oy. That tells you how bad yesterday must have been.

My guess is that it will take a couple of days for this reaction to pass. (At least that's what I fervently hope.)

Meanwhile, I have school tomorrow. Yuck. The weekend was so god-awful that not even my usual fantasy--the graduation fantasy--was brightening my mood. At this point, I think I have to stop thinking about graduation. Earlier in my law school career, it would get me through, but now, it's just too close and too real. Instead of making me feel good, it makes me feel nervous.

Diet stuff

2010-03-26T19:22:00.005-05:00

I've been a little silent on the diet front. Things have been ok. But recently, I've made some changes. Well, it's more like the changes have just happened--passive voice. Are you ready for the list? I know you are!

Chocolate - I started eating it again. I eat it solely for the high. It's just baker's chocolate. No sugar, no milk. No nothing. It's bitter and slightly gross, but it gives that special hit. Unfortunately, the hit doesn't actually make me feel good. I start getting cravings for...just about everything...after I eat it. It makes me restless and a little nervous too. I think I'm going to cut it out again. The only question is, what should I substitute it with? In the past, I was eating frozen peas for dessert, or alternatively, carrots. Both of these are high carb. They don't satisfy me and they just make me want to eat more. Besides, anytime I up the carbs, I start to retain water around my face and stomach. Very unattractive. I think I just need to go cold turkey. No dessert at all. Eventually, I'll get used to it. Or, maybe I should substitute with alcohol. I sometimes have a little brandy. The thing is, I don't really enjoy alcohol that much. It's very meh.
Oats - I tried oats this morning for the first time in three years since I went gluten-free. The oats I got were certified gluten-free, grown on special dedicated fields, jada jada jada, but I was mindful of the fact that not all celiacs can handle oats. They made me feel kind of weird. I ate breakfast at around 7am and by 11am I was so FREAKING COLD that I had to sit on the heater. It eventually passed. But I haven't felt that cold since my highly restrictive days, years ago. I think I'll give the oats one more try tomorrow morning. They're so easy and they taste good. Not so sure this will pan out long term.
Gum balls - On Monday and Tuesday I'm in school until 9pm. I get cranky, I get tired. There's a gumball machine in the basement. Sometimes I have a gumball...or four. I always count it into the calorie tally, but I don't think they're good for me. All those colors. That sugar and HFCS.
There is no four.

I have a feeling that all my problems currently stem from super-high cortisol. I know I was harping on the adrenal fatigue business earlier. But my experiments on that front made me realize that chance are, it's excess cortisol, not too little that is the issue. Sure, excess cortisol is just one step toward adrenal fatigue...whatever.

Depersonalization...the saga continues

2010-03-24T20:28:00.004-05:00

It's not quite entirely gone. The first few days off the fish oil were a BIG improvement. But I'm still feeling off.

It occurs to me that this isn't an entirely new phenomenon for me. When I was a little kid, I felt something sort of like this. But kids don't know any better that to think that their status quo is the norm. For me, I figured that everyone was sluggish and bored by everything, spacing out all the time.

Foray into perfumes: I can't remember what I said about perfumes previously, but I know that one of the reasons I'm into them is that they make me feel more connected to the present. They also let me know how "far gone" I am. When I can't smell shit, I'm very depersonalized.

I also noticed that depersonalization and bad mood don't necessarily go hand in hand. For instance, I feel ok right now. But there's no way in hell that the hands typing this post are mine. And, during dinner, I was really animated, talking to the 'rents about fragrance. I seemed all happy and felt pretty good too, but inside I felt like I was watching a bizarre movie. And, to top it off, my voice didn't sound like me. It was like I was underwater.

The thing is, I don't mind the depersonalization if I'm in a good mood. In the past, my moods have been abysmal and I've been very very present. I can handle a little DP if my mood is on the high side.

It's when my bad moods coincide with the DP that the shit hits the fan and I want to jump out the window.

Meanwhile, it's worth noting that the DP has some upsides. From what I've read, the DP is a way for your mind to shield itself from excess stimuli. I had no trouble taking notes in fed courts today. Smooth sailing baby. No excess anxiety (almost). My notes are accurate and good. Whether I absorbed anything is another question altogether. Either way, I think the DP makes me more functional in some respects.

I don't really care how I feel (ok, that was a big LIE) as long as I have some predictability as to my moods.

I'm an idiot

2010-03-21T15:50:00.004-05:00

All this depersonalization crap? I did it to myself!! That's what I get for taking DHA fish oil. (For those of you following at home, it was 500mg of DHA and 100mg of EPA. The EPA, taken alone makes me crazy nervous. The DHA seemed to calm me at first, but maybe it gave way to a different kind of anxiety.) Honestly, even without the depersonalization, I would have stopped the fish oil. The constipation was killing me. Nothing that makes you shit pellets covered in mucus is good for you. It reminded me of when I was on gluten.

It's been two days since I had my last capsule and I can already feel the familiar self-hate coming back? How cool is that? Yes, those are my thighs that are looking a little chunky. Those are my ribs aren't are prominent as they should be.

In fact, I'm even having a bit better control over my blood sugar. I've gotten that nausea, but it always gives way to hunger pangs. Thank god. I love hunger. It makes me feel human and normal.

I thought outlining my insurance law would be hard. But since I was feeling better, it just passed pretty easily.

I have all these grand plans for the future right now. New eating plans. Restriction. Good stuff. I can do it all if I feel hunger. But if the hunger goes away and all I get is nausea...not good times.

As usual, when things get better, it's always temporary. I might have a couple of good days, but it will revert back. But the longer I felt bad, the longer I feel better before I go back to baseline crappiness. I think I should have another good day or two.

My god. I feel like I can actually go on! A few more days of the depersonalization and I would have killed myself.

Perfume

2010-03-20T19:50:00.005-05:00

I've gotten really into it. It started innocently. I bought a lot of soaps. Perfumes were way to strong for me. But lately, I've been craving that strong scent.

I've been regularly going to the dept stores and sniffing around, asking for samples. I stagger the visits. First it was Saks, then Nieman Marcus, then Nordstroms. Some of the samples I get are truly horrific. There was one by Hermes, Le Jardin Apres La Mousson...it just smelled very strongly of artificial melon. Very irritating.

There are three, however, that I'm really liking. Ok. Four. I like lists, so here it goes.

Tobacco vanille by Tom Ford - I'm not sure if I like this because of the hype, or what. It's sweet and cedar-y. Reminds me of the smell of a hamster cage + sugar. The person at Saks gave me a generous vial. It should last me forever, which is good because I'm not going to shell out $150 bucks on a SMELL.
Japon noir by Tom Ford - This one reminds me of an aging Jewish player in the Catskills. But I like it anyway. Or maybe that's why I like it. Who knows?
Oriens by Van Cleef and Arpel - This stuff actually smells expensive. Another one I'd never be able to afford. If I had all the money in the world, I think I'd buy perfumes and build a perfume collection. The bottle is really pretty. But now, it just seems wasteful, especially since my mood is so labile. Wasn't I complaining about depersonalization two seconds ago. And now, I'm chatting about perfumes like there's nothing wrong.
Elixir de Merveilles by Hermes - this is my favorite of them all. I might get it off ebay or something when I run out of my very ungenerous sample. It smells a little like licorice and vanilla and candied orange. But it doesn't make you think "food." I'm not big on the foody smells. I think they call them gourmands. (Just describing this scent makes me feel so juvenile. I'm really not the super sweet smell fiend I appear to be from these perfume choices! They all have redeeming woody basenotes.

Anyway, I'm on the lookout for more perfumes to try. Suggestions would be cool. I like everything except the telltale skunk smell. Having hailed from Jersey...know whereof I speak.

I gave Shalimar a whirl because it sounded good online. It might even smell good on me (that will happen occasionally--scents change on me) but it's quite pungent in the bottle and on paper so I get really get to excited over it.

There you have it. My foray into the world of perfume. I hope I stay interested in this. I the depth of my morning depersonalization episode I freaked out because I couldn't smell anything. How weird is that? My sense of smell is back now, though! : )

Hard day tomorrow

2010-03-20T19:37:00.003-05:00

I have to outline for my insurance law course. The prof is an asshole. I hate him. He's an upper-class, self-satisfied WASP who's a partner at a big firm. He's had everything handed to him on a silver platter and waxes poetic about how interpreting insurance contracts in favor of the insured is wrong because granting coverage like that, willy nilly, is just plain unfair to the shareholders.

He's one of those guys who thinks we live in a meritocracy and doesn't realize that if he had been born black, a woman, or even *gasp* ugly, his life would have turned out very different. Or, at the very least, even if it had turned out the same, he would have had an acute appreciation for the fact that he had to work a teensy bit harder to get to the same place.

None of this would make a damn bit of difference if he taught the subject properly or gave us a heads up as to what the FUCK to expect on the exam. I keep looking over my notes thing "well, that's not important...that's not testable." But then what is? I need to know!! NOW.

So tomorrow is going to be bad day because I have do my insurance law outline. I think I will do it on paper first. I'll print out my notes and briefs. Then I'll try to organize them by hand.

At this point, I'd been over the whole grade thing. But then, I got talking to a guy in one of my classes. He mentioned that no one ever fails. For some reason, that made me want to do extra well. I don't want to get the degree by default, just because I paid the tuition. I want to get it because I'm good. Does that make any sense?

Feeling a little better

2010-03-20T19:31:00.002-05:00

Yep. I'm feeling a little better. Less depersonalization. True, I woke up scared. That's been happening lately because I'm worried that I'll feel like I'm trapped in a body that's not mine. When I wake up, I try not to move much and I try not to look at parts of myself. That way, I don't immediately get the sense that I'm not me.

It's not that I always wake up with depersonalization. Rather, I don't want to know whether I've woken up with it or not.

Meanwhile, in food news, I was able to withstand the urge to have chocolate today. That means I'll actually sleep tonight. It will take about a week for me to fully withdraw from the three days I had the chocolate.

I also had no DHA fish oil today. That stuff is funny. Sometimes, it makes me feel calm and happy, other times it makes me feel depressed. But it always makes me horribly constipated. Pebbles, man. Ouch.

Dietary mistakes

2010-03-20T02:06:00.003-05:00

I wanted to feel something. I wanted to be productive. So I had some chocolate. It was the first caffeine I had had in over a year...maybe more. What a rush. I made sure to have just unsweetened baker's chocolate. No need to tempt myself with shit that actually tastes good. Anyway, it worked as expected. Productivity, focus, some measure of calm. Any my blood sugar seemed a bit less labile. But of course, one day wasn't enough. I had to have chocolate the next day. And the next. But by then, I decided to have a whole square, not just a half. Which is why I'm up at 2am in the morning. Too much caffeine. I can't say it helps the depersonalization. Also, the happy producing effects totally wear off. The first day I took it, I felt so good. Now that it's been three days, I know I have to stop.

But withdrawal is going to be a bitch. I'm so quick to get addicted to things.

Depersonalization, part II

2010-03-20T01:27:00.003-05:00

It's still happening. In fact, I think it's getting worse. I looked in the mirror this evening and I didn't recognize myself. It just looked like a stranger. Not really, I guess. Intellectually, I knew it was me, but the person in the mirror seemed other and divorced from my consciousness.

The sad part is, I can't talk to anyone about this. Today I broached the subject with my mom. And while she's usually very understanding, she said, "you're starting to sound crazy." As for my dad, I can't talk to him about anything because he starts feeling too guilty and nervous. He thinks I inherited all this crap from him. But I know it's more complicated. I definitely see my problems as a mix of my parents' craziness. If it were just the craziness from one side or the other, I might be slightly more functional. After all, they are quite successful.

I've decided to catalogue my moods. All the different phases of HungryGirl:

1. Depressed -

This is when I feel teary, sad, and hopeless. It is one of my favorite moods. Everything is crystal clear and simple. I go on because I have to and my goals are just to live through the quarter hour. Hallmark trait of this mood --> very hard to focus and concentrate.

2. Fear -

This is my most unfavorite mood. It is when I'm afraid that I most want to kill myself. I haven't felt such fear in a couple years now. When I felt it, it was usually an intense fear of being sick. It was accompanied by guilt and shame because I believed that I had brought it on myself, whether it was fear of an STD (even though I've been celibate for...gosh, over a decade) or fear of a broken hand.

3. Anxiety -

I'm not too crazy about this state of mind either. I can bring it on with supplements like vitamin D, EPA fish oil, B6, choline, vitamin E. Just about anything really. I get unfocused. If I try to read, the words swim on the page and I don't understand anything. There's a tension throughout my body.

4. Nausea/anxiety -

I put this in a separate category because it's a new feeling. I sometimes get overcome with nausea and nervousness. I'm certain it has something to do with blood sugar and hypoglycemia. Not too pleasant.

5. Happiness -

I'm not sure I ever experience true happiness. I sometimes have an hour when I feel competent and less bad. Also, when I was on the LDN initially, I felt what I believe to be true happiness. I wanted things, I was confident, creative, and quick. Of course, good things never last.

6. Mania -

This is very rare. I don't get this anymore at all. Last time it happened I was on some med or another. Up all night painting, compulsive urges to steal things....etc. My shrinks told me, "typical bi-polar." Really? Funny how it never occurred before I took meds and never happened after I got off them. MAYBE IT'S THE MEDS, YOU DIMWITTED, OVERPAID, SMUG, POWER-HUNGRY, MANIPULATIVE PIECES OF SHIT. Whew. I feel so cleansed now that I've gotten that out of my system.

7. Depersonalization -

This is the newest of the bunch and ranks up there with fear as my new unfavorite. There's definitely the hint of panic underneath it all. But it's like I can't access the intense emotion of fear. It's bizarre. At first it was just that I didn't identify the visual image of my body with myself. But now, when I touch myself with my hands--in a purely platonic way, mind you--it feels like someone else is touching me. It's not just my body either, though that is the most unsettling aspect. It's also my surroundings. My room looks foreign. The house looks like its a movie set. All very weird. I've been looking for forums on line about this shit and there's not much out there. It's almost as if the people with this problem are so darn crazy they can't even get it up to write posts about it.
Just had a deep insight: the depersonalization gets better when my anxiety gets worse. Perhaps this isn't actually a personal insight of mine. Maybe I'm just incorporating what I've read about it into my own experiences. Anyway, the depersonalization is definitely more disconcerting, but in a way, it's physically more pleasant than anxiety. I suppose I can handle it as long as it lets up every once in a while.

Fucked up hormones

2010-03-15T17:23:00.004-05:00

Meanwhile, have I mentioned that it's been over two years since I've menstruated? I think it's the stress.

My grandmother told me she didn't menstruate at all during the war. That's four years. So maybe after my personal law school war is over, I'll be fertile again.

I can't say I miss the PMS or the bloating. But I remember I used to feel super right before ovulation. It was two days of pure creativity and happiness.

I'm going crazy

2010-03-15T16:41:00.003-05:00

There's something wrong with me and it's freaking me out. It's something completely and totally new. (Exciting, huh?) I feel like I'm unreal and like my body isn't my own. I'm sitting here typing and my fingers are moving but they belong to someone else. It makes me want to cry.

I have no idea how to fix this. My days are more and more unproductive. I have to write something for a professor and I don't know how I can do it in this state. I might have to give back my scholarship money if I can't spit something out.

All I have to do is hold my breath for five months and this will all be over. I will have graduated, I will have taken the bar. And then...I wait until November when I get the results. And then...the charade will be over. But then what?

I tried to do some research on how I'm feeling. Apparently, it's called depersonalization or derealization. My dad told me it's a sign of high anxiety. Eureka.

When I woke up this morning I felt like I was living in a dream world. Usually I have trouble getting into the shower because I don't like to have to look at my body and I hate having to soap myself up. But today, it was like I was watching a movie and it wasn't me. It's hard to know which is worse. Things were different after breakfast.

Yeah, things change. I'm in a state where I "pray" (note: I don't really pray, I don't believe in god) for any change. And I'm rewarded by a change for the worse.

Stress

2010-01-20T19:28:00.005-06:00

Today was stressful. The first week back always is. It's like my body goes into over-drive and I must fight the mastodon or die. I have to act nice to people and smile, make chit chat, blech. I also have to figure out just how much work I have to do in my classes. What can I slack on in terms of class preparation? I'm studious and responsible, but there's no point in learning stuff I don't have to know for the exam.

What's on the menu for the spring:

3 bar courses
5 exams...in the space of two weeks -- there's a story behind this, see below
The MPRE (Multistate Professional Responsibility Examination)

The 5 exam story: I've finally figured out how to take law school exams. And it's about time since I graduate in May, if all goes well. Anyway, I made the mistake of signing up for a course that involved group work and no exam. For me, this is the most stressful of any kind of class. Many people find it easier because, objectively, there's less work and more people to do it. But I hate hearing what other people know and feeling bad about myself for knowing less. In fact, I feel bad even whether I actually know less or not.

Generally, I'm a pretty resilient sort--don't laugh! I can accommodate a little group work. But this professor required group work for the entire semester. All assignments had to be completed as a group. One assignment was to be due each week. That's just not my cup of tea.

So I dropped that class and picked up another one, a class with a final. The line up is as follows: biz org, consumer law, insurance law, federal courts, and estates. The bolded ones are on the bar. The rest can kiss my behind.

Holy basil update

2010-01-20T19:22:00.003-06:00

It's still making a difference in my life. Mostly importantly, I feel full A LOT faster. Normally, I get the urge to eat eat eat eat and keep eating--it is just my self-control that stops me. (Naturally, in times of high stress, my self-control is a little weaker, e.g. first week of new classes in school.)

Now, occasionally, I feel the urge to eat (and I do...mostly roughage) but at some point, before I've consumed too many calories, I lose interest in eating and feel full. That's new. And welcome.

In general, I feel less like my life is spiraling out of control. There are moments when I still freak out, but the freak out is not as massive and debilitating. I hope this stuff continues to work.

Meanwhile, today I get to take my LDN again. Yay!

One more thing....

2010-01-17T20:11:00.003-06:00

I took no hormones today and I managed to make it through the day. Again, probably the LDN, but I like the trend. It could be that my day was good BECAUSE I took no hormones. Now that's something to think about.

Full disclosure: I did take a Coq10 today. So it wasn't a supplement free day. There was also the holy basil.

Don't read if easily grossed out.

2010-01-17T19:46:00.005-06:00

Maybe all my posts should have that title. But seriously, I mean it this time. Proceed at your own risk.

This post is all about shit, stool, excrement. For the past couple of weeks, I've been shitting virulent green. Diarrhea is no longer a problem since I started tapering off the naltrexone. I'm back to my usual constipation (a life-long struggle since I shat pellets as a kid--the pellet state improved though after going off gluten). But never before has my shit been so...un-brown. It's no recognizable, socially-acceptable shade. And, while I'm not particularly regular, this state of green has persisted for a couple of weeks. Maybe two BMs a week? (It's been worse....)

I had resigned myself to abnormal colored stool. I even read up on it. Green stool= high amounts of e coli, excessive green food intake, green food coloring. Since I hardly ever alter my diet, it's not that. We can rule out the food coloring too. So it must be the e coli.

Then, today out of the blue, my stool was WAAAAY less green. It was borderline brown! But that's not the exciting part. There was a point in the whole...process...where the shit went from dark green to semi-normal coloring. From one turd to another. Just like that.

I have a theory. Are you shocked yet? I think it may be the holy basil, which I started only a few days ago (two or three?). It supposedly has antibacterial properties. But who knows. This could just be a fluke. It could also be that I took the LDN last night.

Conclusion: I have an abnormal relationship to my shit, regardless of the color.

Woke up this morning feeling good

2010-01-17T19:18:00.003-06:00

For a minute there I thought it was the holy basil working its wonder. Then I remembered I took my every 3 days LDN dose last night. Yep, finally feeling human again is NOT the holy basil. It's those natural opioids.

And then, I took the holy basil at breakfast and had a complete conniption. Horrible irritability for a good hour and a half. I seriously thought I was going out of my mind. My guess is this: holy basil does indeed lower blood sugar. It also lowers cortisol. When blood sugar is low and cortisol is insufficient to raise it, you feel like shit.

It could also be something else.

In any case, I think I'm going to switch to taking the holy basil at night. That way, I don't have to worry about its acute effects.

But (and again, I don't know what to attribute this to, could be LDN, could be something else) my blood sugar seemed pretty even all day. That was definitely a plus. I was able to knit and got obsessively into it. Counting, counting, counting, counting, counting...... The obsession bordered on the unpleasant. It was more goal-oriented than present oriented. Ie, I must finish this NOW.

New herb --> holy basil

2010-01-15T20:39:00.004-06:00

I don't know if I should post about this yet. It's probably a mistake that will jinx my good fortune.

Here it is: I started drinking holy basil tea. It seems to help with my hypoglycemia. Here are the symptoms: for a while now, I've haven't been experiencing hunger. Instead, I get nauseous and dizzy. It's worse when I'm under stress. But I've noticed that since drinking the tea (I have also taken the occasional gel cap--had it around the house), I seem to be feeling hunger again. The pangs still aren't as strong as I'd like. And when they've gone on for a while and I still haven't eaten, the dizziness/nausea does come back.

This positive effect could be a fluke. God knows, it's not like the holy basil is the only thing I've been taking (see hormone post below).

Maybe this is just my imagination, but it seems to be perking me up a bit too. I'm surprised because I didn't exactly pick the holy basil to help my "condition." I drink herbal tea (no caffeine for me) and my old brand was running out. The holy basil/tulsi stuff seemed like an innocuous replacement. In fact, I was initially worried that it would make my hypoglycemia worse like mint does. I think basil is related to mint. Anyway, it certainly hasn't made the hypo worse.

Grades

2010-01-15T20:32:00.004-06:00

I'm starting to question my sanity. Of my four exams, I took two that I thought went poorly. One in particular I thought I bombed. The other was just mildly crappy. So why did I get A's in both? This isn't a braggy post. I'm seriously confused and worried about my grasp of reality. While I was taking the tests, I felt super depressed, foggy and weird. Anyhoo.

Meanwhile, the test I thought I aced was...well, the grade was not a vowel. Bummer.

Still waiting on the last grade. It should have been in yesterday. But at least I'm no longer worried that my GPA has tanked. Though, considering how off my self-judgment has been who knows what I got. I had a feeling it went ok but only time will tell.

Has it really been a week?

2010-01-15T20:16:00.005-06:00

Yes. Things got bad, then they got better/busy. I was continuing my little hormone experiment, the occasional pregnenolone for mood, some dhea to get rid of anxiety. Meanwhile, some desiccated adrenal gland arrived in the mail. I have not made up my mind about it.

One thing I have noticed is that my urge to eat after I'm full has something to do with cortisol. When I take dhea after eating, the urge goes away completely. (But honestly, who the f*ck knows the causal mechanism.) Unfortunately, dhea makes me break out like a teenage boy. It's not that bad, but I've been really happy with my skin ever since I got off gluten three years ago--maybe clear skin is also due to the fact that I haven't menstruated in two years--so it was doubly frustrated when I got a painful zit on my chin. It's going away now, though. Yay.

Oh, I also got some thyroid in the mail. It makes me feel good for a little while, but then I rebound and get cold for an hour before I'm back to status quo.

None of these hormones are going to do it for next semester (OR FOR THE BAR!!! AHHHHH!!!!). The effects are too short-lived and the effects aren't entirely predictable.

That was the hormone update.

On the meds/supplement front, the Requip still hasn't arrived! One more week and I'm calling the online pharmacy. I'm still taking the choline and inositol, but only 250mg each and only at night. That seems to work better. Less water retention.

Today was as bad as I expected

2010-01-06T18:20:00.003-06:00

But it ended ok because I drugged myself with Provigil. Just a little crumb made a big difference.

This morning, I tried something new. I decided to take some pantothenic acid with my breakfast. It's supposed to help with the adrenals and I already take it at night. What I didn't realize until two hours after was that the form of the vitamin is calcium pantothenate. This means that there's a sizable amount of calcium in there too. Calcium is an antacid. Taking an antacid when your entire body is inflamed is not good. Food isn't digested properly and this just leads to more inflammation.

Anyway, at 9:30 I became pretty sick. My nausea and dizziness was much worse than usual. I felt I had to eat immediately. So I did. It didn't help much. To make a long story short, I decided to take Provigil. My mood immediately improved. I was able to get lost in my work. It was all good.

The sad thing is, the Provigil never works the same on the second day.....meanwhile, my coworker and friend went home with the flu. I understand that he needs to make money, but infecting the entire office with your bug isn't a very thoughtful thing to do. No, he didn't get his flu shot. No. Neither did I. Am I screwed?

On another note, the itching from the choline/inositol does not seem to be as severe as it was initially. I'm glad because I think it's helpful.

Last night, I took some LDN. I have officially moved to taking it every three days. Yay! I made the mistake of staying awake while it kicked in. That felt really miserable.

P.S. I had carrots today. They were divine. I hope I didn't hamper my de-orangification process too much.

Sometimes...

2010-01-04T22:16:00.001-06:00

I feel like pissing in my pants at work, running, down the halls, screaming and tearing my hair out. Just to let everyone know that I'm nuts.

I'm always on the edge of doing this. What stops me??

Woke up feeling depressed

2010-01-03T09:11:00.003-06:00

This is kind of unusual for me. Generally, I wake up feeling ok. Then I eat and feel like crap.

Part of the bad feeling was that I woke up with tinnitus. Yuck. Incidentally, the tinnitus was accompanied by a hypochondriacal panic attack. It's been so long since I've had one of those (I know I had one yesterday too, but I mean, before all this started). It's gone now. I think the inositol/choline helps.

Mostly, I see the expanse of my day stretching before me and I don't know what to do with myself. I guess brushing my teeth and washing my face would be a good start. So would getting dressed. Ideally, I would take a walk today but it's officially -1 F outside. And I have a hard time getting out of the house when it's warm out. It's damned near impossible when it's this cold--and that's the temp without windchill.

Next on my list:

Make my bed (I do that every day, no matter what)
Open the blinds
Find a new supplement to try and WALK to the health food store to get it? I know I'm in a hole when I can't even think of anything vitamins to try.
Call my parents to complain when the supplement backfires?
Wait for my next meal; endure the nausea before and after.

At least I have to go to work tomorrow. I hate it. But I hate staying home too. I hate it all.

These posts are like diarrhea

2010-01-02T19:30:00.003-06:00

They're brown and smelly? No, I mean, they just keep coming. This one a is deep piece on how depressed and hopeless I feel....

I was really demoralized by the date and should never have gone in the first place. I knew it wouldn't work out because I wasn't turned on by the email convos. They were blah exchanges of irrelevant information. Where have you traveled? What movies do you like? These questions only have meaning and importance once you're interested enough in the person that you're interest in their answers.

I've narrowed down the problem with Mr. Retail. I like guys who are clever and have a something unique to say that happens to match with the unique thing I have to say. If that makes any sense.

My dentist mentioned match.com. So I went and looked at the site. I narrowed the matches to those guys with liberal politics and graduate degrees. It was all painfully pathetic. The forced smiles, the generic profiles. I have come to the startling conclusion that I must meet someone IN PERSON. It's the only way to go.

Maybe, some day, I will be healthy enough to find someone who will love me.

Tinnitus: Another bullshit post

2010-01-02T18:32:00.003-06:00

I thought it was gone. This morning I didn't have it. Then, an hour after dinner, accompanied by panic and depression, it came back. I had sardines and some tuna for dinner with Brussels sprouts, a salad and peas. As usual, I ate more than planned. The "plan" was sardines and sprouts. Everything was ok (no tinnitus). But an hour later, I got that horrible must-eat-nausea so I had more. Then the tinnitus set in.

I knew I had to do something. But what? I was thinking something cortisol-esque. So I had licorice tea and had a tiny pinch of DHEA too. I figured that I felt like such shit, might as well experiment. Now, I'm a bit better, moodwise and the tinnitus is a little better(?).

I wish I knew how all this shit worked. Not like it would matter if I did.

I went.

2010-01-02T16:35:00.002-06:00

And I was pretty bored. I might also have been boring. Mr. Retail was no psychopathic. Not even close. I don't even think he was narcissistic. But I don't think there was any chemistry between us. He looked nice--cute, blond, skinny, straight teeth. Whoever marries him will be lucky, I think. For whatever reason, I was not interested.

First off, he seemed very young to me. I need a man who is either my age or in graduate school. Oh, I don't know. He was polite. He tried very hard to make conversation. But I won't be sad if I never see or hear from him again.

I can't explain it. Maybe I'm depressed or under-sexed, but there was nothing there.

Don't wanna go

2010-01-02T11:40:00.003-06:00

I'm feeling so sick. I've been nauseous and dizzy all day. Last night I made the mistake of having Gotu Kola tea with sugar. It had some psychoactive effects, nothing special, but it gave me tinnitus. Or maybe I just randomly got tinnitus. Or, it could have been the sugar. Or moon spots. In any case, it persisted (on and off--mostly on) for about 8 hours!

Meanwhile, my parents left for a week, so I feel a little lonely and adrift. I'm like a pet. You can't leave me alone too long because I can't take care of myself and am liable to take a crap on the carpet and whine.

Now, I'm all dressed up and look pretty nice, but I'm not in the mood to make conversation. I don't really want to waste the pregnenolone on a social event.

Conversation topics for the meeting:

I'm 29 and live with my parents. And I like it.
What, I seem morose? Sorry, I'm only able to fake happy for about 1/2 hour, then I turn into a pumpkin. Just kidding. I turn into a bitch.
Don't get too close to me because I'm scared of getting your disease(s). Don't even think of kissing me without a condom. On your mouth.
So, what are your plans for the future? Do you plan to work retail for your entire life?

That decides it, I'm taking the preg.

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T11:37:00.003-06:00

This is not a New Year's post. It's an "I'm obsessing about my worthless date" post. I think I'm going to give him my number. I don't feel like sending him a pic. It's too much of an effort.

In any case, it's probably not such a big deal to give a stranger my number. I will be meeting him after all. Besides, this way Mr. Retail won't have to ask for my number in person, which is definitely more awkward. If the date doesn't work out, it's not like he's going to keep my number in his phone anyway.

How's that for rationalization?

Adrenal fatigue...

2010-01-01T11:11:00.005-06:00

...or dysregulation. Whatever it is, I think I've got it. In classic, Hungry Girl form, I believe I brought it upon myself. Last time at this year I was alternate day fasting. It worked really well for a time. Depression was a bad memory. Anxiety was diminished. Then I started to get nauseous and dizzy in the mornings of my fast to the point where I thought I might pass out. (Incidentally, it was similar feeling to the one I felt on LDN--I'm sure there's a connection, but I'm damned if I can figure it out. Though, fasting does upregulate opioid receptors...and opioids can exacerbate/cause hypoglycemia --> http://jpet.aspetjournals.org/content/253/3/899.abstract at least in rats. Maybe I posted on this already? So there's a theory.

As it turned out, eating did not fix the problem. I just became depressed, anxious and dizzy. (Perhaps it helped a little bit, but the problem didn't go away.)

Nowadays, I get the nausea whenever I'm hungry--whatever happened to anxiety and hunger pangs? On a side note, I ordered a prescription drug online. It's one I've take before, but for some reason my part-time shrink (the guy who just moved to another state but who prescribes stuff for me when I want it after profoundly unhelpful phone convos) did not want to spring for this one. That sort of pissed me off. Why does he think I talk to him? It's not (just) to help put his kids through college. To be fair, he's a kind man, very knowledgeable and has been good to me. Of the many shrinks I've had, he's by far the best. If only because he hate the profession almost as much as I do.

I always feel like some sort of deviant ordering scripts online. Not to mention that its always about 20 bucks more expensive. The drug is Requip. It made me a little crazy, a little hyper-sexual--could use some of that, though, my libido is ZERO--a little hypochondriacal too, last time I took it. But I have hunch that it might help me now. We'll see.

P.S. The 250mg powdered choline/inositol still makes me itch. Major bummer!!!

Intense cravings/self-hate/general weirdness

2010-01-01T10:57:00.003-06:00

I woke up feeling pretty good. Unusual, to be sure, but I managed to cope. Then I had my usual over easy egg and rice cake for breakfast. Mood plummeted and I got really irritable for about an hour. Then the nausea set in. Next, I got a little manic-y, put on make up, cleaned my living space. Then came the cravings and self-hate. I had four olives and celery and salt. Disaster averted.

I also took a choline/inositol 250mg. Now I feel totally languid and normal. I'm hoping that the new choline/inositol won't make me itch. We'll see. It's a different formulation. The new stuff is powdered in a capsule whereas the other stuff was tablets. Also, the new stuff is 250mg instead of 500mg. Generally, I prefer capsules. In my imagination, they assimilate better.

In retrospect, I think the self-hate has to do with the anxiety about my upcoming date. I tried on the pants I plan to wear and while they are looser than they were the day after finals, which is the last time I tried them on (two weeks ago), they are still not as loose as they used to be. I know a lot of this is water, judging by my face. Ever since I started weaning from the LDN I've been a total water balloon. From what I've read the choline/inositol is supposed to help with that too. Also, I won't have any fruit [*insert self-control here] today which will make my face thin out a little more.

(Note to self: took LDN last night, moving to every three days, starting now)

My forthcoming date

2009-12-31T20:08:00.003-06:00

I'm thinking of canceling. We're supposed to meet downtown. He's given me his number and has asked for mine. Why has he asked for my number before asking for my picture? Does he really not care what I look like? Is he that desperate? Or am I just that attractive over email? I doubt it.

Supposedly if I give him my number we won't "miss each other" when we meet. WTF? It's coffee shop, not an airport. But what if I send him my number (inappropriate request in my opinion) and then he asks for my picture (appropriate request). I don't want him to have both. I was just about to volunteer a picture, but now I'm freaked out. Here are my options as I see them:

Option 1: Tell him I've changed my mind, no meet

The pros

I won't have to make an effort;
I won't have to take some supplement in order to be sociable/not awkward;
I won't have to worry about where my number will turn up on the internet if he's (a) a weirdo (b) an asshole
I'm not really interested anymore in this guy. He seems like your run of the mill narcissist. Hello superficial convos about hobbies and movies.

The cons

I'll just sit at home doing nothing, being bored, isn't anything better than that?

Option 2: Tell him no number, but here's a picture.

The pros

I'll meet him and have something to talk about at the office.
Maybe I'll have fun once I dose myself with something.
If I'm attracted to him (and he to me, of course), maybe we'll meet again?

The cons

I have to choose a picture. That's hard. Do I go for a prettier or uglier than real life pic?
He'll have my picture even though this will not go anywhere.
Since I'm not interested in him--though that might change if I see him and there's some chemistry--it will be harder to break things off that way.

Option 3: Tell him no number, don't give him a picture either --> suggest a miniscule coffee shop

The pros

No risk to me, no exposure

The cons

He might not want to meet, do I care?
I might offend him because he's already extended the olive branch and given me his number, do I care?

Option 4: Give him my number, worry about the picture later.

The pros

He's happy
No conflict

The cons

I'm exposed
I get all worried.

I'm leaning towards the picture option, but honestly, I'm still undecided.

Experiments

2009-12-31T19:57:00.002-06:00

For some reason, I've been hell-bent on making myself worse. First, I took vitamin b6, twice. I don't exactly know what possessed me when I know that it makes me feel awful. Everything bad I feel gets magnified. I thought, maybe it would be different if I took it with X, Y, and Z. No.

Next, I probably shouldn't be having multiple eggs a day. They make me nauseous. How could that be a good sign? Besides...eggs are highly allergenic. But they're so damn convenient.

Last but not least, the after dinner pear must go. I'm retaining water like nobody's business. My neck is pencil thin but the face sitting on top of it is ROUND! I hate that. (It could also be the eggs, but one thing at a time.)

On the bright side, it's been a long time since I've binged on carrots. Consequently, I'm no longer bright orange. My palms are still orange, but the rest of me is looking much more normal!

Lurve <3

2009-12-29T17:44:00.007-06:00

Not really. But I'm struggling with titles and this is close enough. I had given up on Mr. Retail from OkCupid, but turns out, he hadn't given up on me. He invited me out for later this week. All I need to do is tell him when I'm free.

There was a niggling in my brain, something familiar about his guy. He's a type I've encountered before. It took me this long to identify his style: he's the well-hidden narcissist. He tries to pretend that he gives a shit by carefully inquiring about points you mention in your letter, but it's all just a means to endlessly expound about himself. Hence the long letters. (In contrast, I find it to be a chore, and also slightly embarrassing, to write other people long letters about myself.) The only question is, is he intolerably narcissistic? After all, I'M THE ONLY IMPORTANT ONE HERE. We should all be on the same page, as far as that's concerned. Joke. Kind of.

I'll be sure to update this blog on the details.

It's still too early to tell what he's really like. Even if I do end up meeting him, I might not be suave enough to figure him out on the first date.

Meds and supps

2009-12-29T17:21:00.002-06:00

All my posts are about me me me me....and my day. Or how I feel, or what I've done. It's nothing earth-shattering, though admittedly, today was more exciting than most days. So I find it kind of hard to come up with a title that differentiates one post from the previous one. Anyhoo, maybe creativity will hit once I've finished writing.

As far as meds and supps go, here's the deal: I had some pregnenolone yesterday. I felt super duper wonderful while I was taking it, but massive anxiety/cravings as it wore off. Just in case you're wondering, I'm limiting myself to taking the preg rarely--I wait at least two days once I've taken it to take it again. All in all, I don't think the cravings are worth the good feeling so I might not try it again unless I feel there's an emergency (ie, suicidality, though I don't get that too often and when I do, it's because I've (a) eaten the wrong thing or (b) taken some badass supplement).

Last night was my naltrexone night. I was dreading it because now that I'm withdrawing from it, instead of having a super day after I take it, my day-after is blah and kind of depressing. It's as if my brain no longer knows how to overcome the opioid blockade. Anyway, I'll soon be down to taking it every three days. Yay! Tapering is definitely the way to go.

Incidentally, I would like to correct a previous post. I had thought that the choline induced itching was some stomach acid mediated phenomenon. But I have a new, better theory. There's this thing call cholinergic urticaria (body heat induced hives). The name came from the fact that studies showed some people with the disorder produce a rash when injected with the neurochemical acetylcholine. The point of all this is that choline is a building block for acetylcholine. If acetylcholine causes some people to itch--ta da--maybe I'm one of those lucky people who, when they take choline, it converts to acetylcholine and causes itching.

Shameful admission

2009-12-27T12:03:00.004-06:00

I read pro-anorexia blogs. It started about a week ago. I was hoping to fall back into my super restrictive habits. The blogs were encouraging. But I soon realized that they were starting to make me feel bad (1) about the amount I was eating (2) how I looked.

First, it seems these girls--that's what they are, girls, mostly college age and younger--eat impossibly small amounts of food. Less than 500 calories daily. Even in my most restrictive phase I hovered around 600-700 and I was completely non-functional. My single-minded goal was to get thinner and thinner. Concentration was impossible and I was cold to the bone. Right now, I'd say I eat around 1100. Really, it's not that much. But after reading these blogs, I feel like a COW. But it is necessary for me to eat at least this much if I am to perform adequately as a student and as a law clerk.

In addition, it's hard to know how much to believe in blogs. For instance, when things get really bad for me, or when I do something truly cringe-worthy, I do not blog about it. The long and the short of it is that you never get the whole story on the pro-ana blogs. For all I know they could be written by fat people.

Second, I'm not the sort of person who gets revved up by THINspiration. The point is to strive to reach the thinness in the picture. But I know from experience that you never feel thin enough and you certainly never feel as thin as the picture (even if you are). Meanwhile, photoshopping is rampant. The models themselves don't look like the pictures. You see smooth creamy skin that flows over jutting bone. In reality, I bet that skin is dry and flakey and covered in fuzz.

This last paragraph should be my resolution never to read those blogs again. But I know myself better than that. I probably will stray back there.

Mr. I-work-retail-for-minimum-wage...

2009-12-27T11:35:00.003-06:00

...has not written back to me on okcupid though he has logged in. Why am I even writing about this? It's a non-event. It's at times like these that I'm grateful I never post pics online.

In any case, dating someone five years younger than me would have reminded me a bit too much of a former friend of mine. She was early thirties (by this time she's mid-thirties), but insisted on dating guys younger than me. More power to her if all she wanted was a quick shag. But she was looking for "the one." Is a 24 year old really going to want to settle down?

Updates and itching

2009-12-27T11:07:00.002-06:00

Things were going pretty swimmingly. I was taking the choline and the inositol. Mood was up. I was even *gasp* doing art work. It wasn't anything super duper, but I was in the right mindset for the first time in YEARS. I was checking out my art books for ideas and sketching.

Then...I started itching. I'm starting to think that I have some bile duct obstruction. Bile is what gets spritzed out to neutralize your stomach acid. Whenever I take something that makes my stomach more acidic (like too much vitamin C or choline!!) I itch like a crazy woman. It's not like a mosquito bite itch or even poison ivy. If feels like a soft building burning sensation that rises to a crescendo of madness. Poetic, non?

I tried to take some tums to see if that would help neutralize it. It didn't. I guess this means I have to back off on the choline/inositol combo. That is super upsetting since it really seemed to help.

social life

2009-12-26T09:11:00.004-06:00

I'm still writing to this guy online--painfully long letters. Since the last time I posted, I've been through both the "I'm-madly-in-love" and "I'm-so-over-it" phases. I'm currently in my "not-giving-much-effort, leaving-it-to-fate" phase. My guess is that this will all fizzle out before long.

He wants to meet, though I sort of hinted at it first. (I got fed up with the long emails going nowhere and hinted at the fact that you don't really get to know someone that well over email, regardless of the sheer number of facts you learn about them.) Any meeting will probably be a disaster. I'm leaving the details up to him. If he wants to do it, he can give me a concrete proposal. Otherwise, no go. I can't be more into it than he is.

He actually seems pretty smart even though (I can't believe I'm disclosing my snobbery by writing this online) he graduated from a shit school. I get good vibes from him, but you never know what you're getting online.

Physically, he's my type. Tall, slim/fit, face is interesting, but not pretty. Incidentally, he's much younger than me. Five years younger!

P.S. You know this is all just a passing winter break fancy. By the time school starts this guy will be a bad/good memory.

update on withdrawal

2009-12-26T08:41:00.002-06:00

The good: I have been down to taking the LDN every two days. The withdrawal is tolerable. Part of that is due to the fact that I never actually let myself feel the withdrawal for too long before I dose myself with some supplement. All in all, it's working out ok. Starting next year, I will be moving to every three days.

The bad: One of the wonderful things about the LDN is that I lost a huge amount of water weight. The softness around my face receded, clothing got really loose from one day to the next. Of course, the opposite is true for withdrawal. I feel so bloated. It's GAH-ROSSSSS. I'm also feeling some self-hate. A little of that is ok; it's a motivator. I can't restrict unless I hate myself so it's all for a good cause.

Speaking of restriction, I have decided to give up on the carrots. My color is vomitacious. The undereye concealer I have (you know, the "peach" tinted stuff) looks pasty on my skin because I'm so orange. All those carrots can't be good for my health either. But, on the down side, I am eating fruit again. I'm keeping it to one pear after dinner for dessert. But that is also contributing to my water retention because that's what fruit does to me.

The ugly: There is no ugly. It's just a third thing. I've started to take choline and inositol. When I take inositol alone, it makes me blow up like a blimp. Initially, I thought this was because it's sort of like a sugar (very sweet), increases bad bacteria, whatever. But I think it has more to do with aldosterone. I was reading somewhere that choline increases aldosterone production. Inositol and choline compete for absorption, if I remember correctly. That means, more inositol equals less choline. Less choline equals less aldosterone. [Bear with me here....]

Aldosterone is often implicated in water retention. A while back, I was dealing with water retention and was prescribed spironolactone. Spironolactone is a competitive aldosterone antagonist and is used as a diuretic. Taking the Spiro made everything much worse--I was Hungry Girl the super blimp. When I got off it, I thankfully deflated. For my biochemistry, reducing aldosterone increases water retention, whether this is achieved through inositol or spironolactone. I don't pretend to know exactly what was going on biologically with all that. This is just a hypothesis/observation based on personal experience.

Publish Post

Ok cupid

2009-12-24T17:23:00.005-06:00

What? Never heard of it. It's where losers and interpersonally inept people with questionable sexual health go for entertainment. Right.

A long time ago, I opened up an account. No, of course I didn't put my picture up. Are you kidding me?! I don't want people I go to school with to know I've hit rock-bottom. What they think is their own business.

Admittedly, I did recently see a guy I went to high school with on there. He was an arrogant little shit back then, but I tolerated him because I think he had a crush on me. Right now, he's tall, buff, and probably makes close to 200k after having graduated from one of the top law schools in the country. If it's good enough for him....

Back to me: when I'm lonely, I go through my "matches" for a lark. I never write to anyone. Though, as it happens, someone wrote to me. And, in my pregnenolone fueled love for the world, I wrote back. Now we're engaged in some vaguely autistic correspondence. I don't need or want a pen pal, but I feel a little guilty just not responding. Maybe I'll get over it. Or maybe he'll lose interest.

So, that's my social life.

Food post

2009-12-24T16:58:00.003-06:00

Today I was sort of planning to fast. But after my little incident with Mr. Insecure Named Partner, I felt inadequate, shameful and embarrassed. So I went down to the building sundry shop and got an apple and 80 cal worth of sunflower seeds. Yes, I've been adding fruit back into my diet. I keep meaning to cut it out, but I keep FAILING. [At this point, I'm focusing on low cal, not necessarily content.] That happened around 11am.

When I got home at 4pm, I had a salad, carrots, celery and sardines. Yep, we're doing fine, diet wise. Then I fucked up with a rice cake and a PEAR. Ugh. I should have eaten much less considering yesterday's extravagance. But it was not to be.

On the plus side, I didn't dose myself with over the counter hormones today. Yay me. I noticed yesterday that I like how pregnenolone feels initially when I take it. It's a warm fuzzy feeling for about 2 hours. But then I get really nervous and irritable. All in all, it's not worth it. Aside from what it's doing to my brain, who the f*#k knows what's its doing to my body.

But, I can't be without my little crutches. So I whipped out some coca tea. It's been sitting in the closet for a while, all lonely. Yes, this tea is ground up coca leaf from Bolivia. Of questionable legality. But since I got it off Amazon, I can't get too worried. Anyway, I wanted to see what it would do for my hunger and my mood. It does tone down the hunger a bit. It makes thinking on an empty stomach a bit easier. But, if I chew the bag, hello cravings/anxiety. As long as I just drink the tea itself, it's ok. As a side note, it also seems to make me feel full faster. Now all I have to do is pay attention to that feeling and eschew the joys of eating.

Yeah, working on that one.

One last thing. Yes it's addictive. Yes there is withdrawal. The bonus, at least for me, it that the withdrawal/rebound happens a couple of hours later. The stuff must clear fast. The is a little annoying, but in my opinion and in my experience this will make habituation less of a risk.

I don't really like it that much anyway. It's not like aspartame where I would dump packets of equal down the hatch and wake up to stick more sugarless gum into my mouth. Besides, can 9 million Bolivians be wrong? Don't answer that.

"You're just a law clerk"

2009-12-24T16:44:00.004-06:00

I went to work today because (1) I'm a glutton for punishment (2) it pays well (3) it gets me out of the house (4) one of my supervising attorneys wanted me there--isn't it nice to feel wanted?

But then, the supervising attorney called me into his office. Here's what transpired:

Him: There a problem with a client [he outlines the problem]. Here's a possible solution [he outlines the solution].

Me: Sounds like a good idea. [Note to self: next time, just smile and nod.]

Him: It always feels good to hear someone likes your idea, but you're just a law clerk.

I then said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that I was passing judgment on your idea." Maybe this just made things worse. Who knows. But seriously, I was just trying to keep the conversation going. Then, he tops it off with, "do you even know anything about the Contract Clause?" Um, no. Which is why a male, 60+ year old well-respected PARTNER should not have felt threatened by a female law clerk who was just trying to make chit chat.

Ate ok

2009-12-21T19:39:00.003-06:00

Today I ate ok. Under 1000 cals again. I skipped lunch. I've also been using small amounts of the antipsychotic to keep my anxiety and also my hunger in check a little.

This approached worked pretty well today. But an hour after dinner, I was hit with the worst cravings. I had to take some vitamin D to get rid of them. I don't usually get cravings so long after I've eaten. I think it had something to do with the antipsychotic.

Meanwhile, work was ok. We had our holiday party. Bitchy, obese and incontinent secretary commented on the fact that I took more time off for finals than the other clerks. She can go fuck herself. Next time, I might be outright hostile to her in very friendly way. No. I'll just ignore it. It's easier that way for everyone. She's just a pathetic little schnook.

I didn't fast this morning...

2009-12-21T07:51:00.003-06:00

But I think I'm ok with that. I'm still not ok with my body. Since I've drastically cut my intake (compared to what I was scarfing down during finals--don't even want to go there) I have lost a shit load of water weight. It's like a balloon has deflated. Obviously I gained some fat too, which hasn't gone away, but it feels nice to have such a quick change. [In my less than professional opinion, I think there may be a five pound difference from a few weeks ago--I think it will take about a month of restricting to get back to the way I was.]

Still, I have decided I will not "wait" for the weight loss. I'm just going to do what I'm doing, eat as little as I can for as long as I can. That's how I lost weight in the first place. No weighing, no binging, not too much fasting. Just slow and steady. Eventually, like those little starving kids in Africa, I will get bony.

Now, there's also a matter of my color. I'm orange. I look like someone's given me a bad mystic tan. It's all these goddamn carrots. I think I'll just deal with that later. For now, I'm at one with my oompa loompa self.

Almost forgot

2009-12-20T19:39:00.002-06:00

I took my LDN last night and was expecting a good mood this morning. No such luck. I think the longer I go between days I take it, the less my body remembers to overcome the evening blockade.

In other news, I start work at the firm again tomorrow. After all, I had a full 2.5 days of vacation. But at least I'll get to see my office friends....

Experiments with my body

2009-12-20T19:29:00.004-06:00

Today was ok in terms of food. I ate a bit too much. Still under 1000, but more than I had planned. I'm not sure if I'm going to fast tomorrow. I sort of doubt it. Maybe 22-23 hours, but not 36.

But, onto my experiments. I was feeling really down so I decided to try DHEA again. Yes, it made me happy, but a couple hours later I had hypoglycemia--not fun. So I nibbled on what I thought was pregnenolone. It tasted kind of bitter, not the sweet sublingual pill I was expecting. Turns out, that was NOT preg. It was provigil. Whoops.

By dinner time, I was feeling that *I'm about to overeat* feeling. The feeling that precedes complete loss of control. So, given the fact that I didn't really have that much to lose (I was just sitting at home all day, no pressing assignments, no responsibilities) I thought, ok, let's give an antipsychotic a bit of a nibble. It took away that frantic feeling and I ate less than I otherwise would have. All in all, I'm pleased with myself.

If I try the DHEA again, I will try it in combination with the pregnenolone to see if I can avoid the hypoglycemia. The hypo makes sense with DHEA only since DHEA suppresses cortisol and cortisol is what raises blood sugar when it drops.

future fasting plans

2009-12-19T19:51:00.003-06:00

I will not be able to fast extensively without getting flack from the parents. In addition, I don't want to upregulate my opioid receptors too much by alternate day fasting over more than a week. That just leads to overeating. As a result, I think I will attempt to do a series of 24 hour fasts during the week (ie, eating dinner every day, in a moderate way). I'll switch it up with normal low cal days.

This will sort of be like the JUD diet. Every other day you eat below 500 cals. Generally speaking though, my dinners tend to be above 500 calories. There is usually 1/4 cup of starch (75 cal), .5 Tsp of olive oil (55 cal), 1-2 dessert carrots (60 cal), MEAT (200-250), vegetable (90 cal). That's already 470. Plus, there's generally some onions/garlic/olives for flavoring. This adds another 75-100 cal. Sigh. Moderation is so much harder than going to extremes.

Perhaps on the low days I will cut out the starch and the carrots? Or eat less meat? We'll see.

About 24 hours into the fast

2009-12-19T19:35:00.002-06:00

This has been an ok fast. Not to hard at all. None of the usual "I must eat RIGHT NOW" anxiety. The down side is that self-hate was pretty much ever present. I've noticed that at least for me, self-hate and anxiety are mutually exclusive. If I'm super duper anxious, I'm not self-hating, though I may still want to die (just to get away from the anxiety).

Anyway, I watched my parents eat their dinner. They are fairly accepting of my weird eating habits. But even if they weren't, I still do whatever I want. That's the benefit of being 29. I'm very much a grownup, though the rest of my life is lived in quite a child-like manner: live at home, go to school, chat with the 'rents about my day, eat the food they cook. At least I do my own laundry.

Tonight I get to take my LDN, so tomorrow the self-hate will be gone. I will do my best not to let the eating get out of hand. The key is to eat food that is already portioned out. Ie, not "chicken breast" but "chicken drumstick." Egg, not sliced yams. Whole almonds, not slivered. Though, truth be told, I shouldn't be eating almonds at all.

I'm feeling that nausea right now. I hate this feeling and I wish I knew what it was from. I think it's opioid mediated some how. I used to be able to fast and not get this weird feeling. Any tips on how to get rid of this--without eating--would be greatly appreciated.

I'm thinking, it might be more successful to attempt to fast with an antipsychotic. I don't know. They are notorious for causing weight gain. And who needs that. But with the amount of old prescriptions meds I've got in the house, I could open my own pharmacy. It's worth a try. Although, from what I remember the antipsychotic I took a little taste of did not get rid of the opiate induced nausea, though it did take the anxiety down a notch. I also felt like my brain was in a straight jacket.

My day so far, at 10:42

2009-12-19T10:36:00.003-06:00

I woke up severely depressed, tired, sad, and a little self-hating. But, as planned, I did not have breakfast. This means I'm a measly 15h and 42m into my 36 hour fast. I'm already feeling a little better though. Mood is up(ish) and I'm blogging.

I felt hunger this morning which was good. Lately, ie on the LDN, I would just get dizzy and nauseous. It's a relief to know that I am once again capable of hunger pangs. Maybe I can use the fasting to help me withdraw from the LDN easier.

I almost caved an ate at 9:30. It's not the lack of food that makes me want to eat. It's that primal anxiety that kicks in. It's the feeling than immediately abates as soon as you put food into your mouth. But I have to remember that as soon as I do that, while the anxiety goes away, it's replaced by deadening depression. Would rather have the anxiety, thanks.

LDN (low dose naltrexone)

2009-12-18T20:58:00.003-06:00

For a number of reasons, the LDN didn't work out for me (see below). I've decided I'm better off without it. This means I have to wean myself off of it. I've tried cold turkey, but after a week I'm ready to step in front of bus. Right now, for the past week or so, I've been taking it every other day. I'm moving to take it every two days, which is much harder to remember.

When I was taking it every other day I knew that on the day I felt like shit but had stable blood sugar, I would get to take more LDN. The days I felt good, but ate all day and had massive dizziness and nausea I did not get to take the LDN.

Ok, I'm off to take off my interview makeup. Cheers.

Pregnenolone

2009-12-18T20:47:00.004-06:00

You'd think that I'd quit experimenting with dangerous drugs after my less than stellar experience with the naltrexone. And, there's nothing more dangerous than steroids.

I've flirted with DHEA and Keto-7. They make me feel weird. There's an initial spike that feels like an intense dopamine high. This lasts a half and hour and then the feelings dim a bit. After a couple hours or so there's a nasty rebound. Why should preg be any different? It shouldn't.

I bought 25mg pills. Since I'm sensitive to drugs, I took a little bite off a pill and got maybe 5mg into me. It hit about 45 minutes later. There was some mood lift, but also some anxiety. It was not like the LDN which made me just feel like a better version of me. This felt foreign. A couple hours later, I got very irritable, and then about a half an hour after that, I got hit with some intense depression. It was an anxious type of depression so I took 500mg of magnesium. It made me feel a little better.

Now, I feel.... Oh, who cares how I feel. Might as well say it. There's some self-hate, self-flagellation (about grades/body/emptiness inside/lack of creativity), dollop of plain old depressive hopelessness about the future, and a pinch of anxiety. I don't want to die alone!

.....god, whoever decides to hire me will be making a big mistake.

Wow. So depressed.

2009-12-18T20:32:00.002-06:00

I had my interview today, but it didn't go too well. Only time will tell. I was nervous and stumbled. They asked me if I was familiar with my state's supreme court's rules for writing appellate briefs. Huh? I couldn't lie....

After the interview, I went and bought myself a special perfumed soap. I did it out of habit (FRE 406). When I was first on the LDN (naltrexone) I understood what it meant to be happy and to want things in a normal, non-manic way. [By non-manic, I mean that price was still a deterrent.] The things I bought would give me lasting pleasure. One of the most remarkable objects I bought during that period was key ring that looked...like a diamond ring. I remember taking it out of my purse over and over just to look at it. And it would make me smile. Yesterday, I noticed that one of the pieces of metal holding the rock in place had broken and the "gem" was lost.

How poetic.

But back to my regularly scheduled programming. My point with all this was that I bought the soap because I was expecting it to feel good. It didn't. Instead, I felt like it was waste of money and that I'm a spoiled little girl.

All this conversation presumes what I haven't actually explicitly stated: School is over. I wish it had gone better. But can't moan about it now. Nothing to be done. If I'm lucky, I will have gotten one A. This will not be a Dean's List semester and I hate myself for it.

Eating-wise, today was a good day. I had about 700 calories. Tomorrow, I plan on fasting for 36 hours. Don't know if that will work out for me, but I suppose I can hope. It's funny. I've never actually fasted for weight loss. I've only done it to control my anxiety/depression. This will be a new thing for me.

On a scale of 1 to 10...

2009-12-14T13:06:00.005-06:00

the exam I just took was maybe a three. It wasn't that it was particularly hard. But I was particularly nervous and just mental, generally.

From straight A's last year to straight C's? This semester has been a nightmare. I hardly know what to think. I studied, but the sanity wasn't there. I have never in my life ever felt that my knowledge was so inadequately represented on an exam.

Meanwhile, I have to try and put it out of my head because I have another exam at 6pm tomorrow night and yet another a day and a half later.

If someone where to collect all my professors, stuff them into cattle cars and gas them, I'd be ok with that. Wow. That was sort of vulgar and crude of me. Shows how bitter I am. This semester, it really wasn't their fault. In fact, I feel it wasn't really my fault either. The stars were not aligned.

But I can't help it. I am bitter. I'm nearly 30 years old. My life has hardly gotten started. I obsess about things that don't matter. I hate myself on a regular basis. I find no joy in the little things in life. Mostly, I just wait for time to pass so that I can die.

The only reason I'm making an effort (ie, going to law school) is that I feel I have a duty to pretend, at some level, that my life is normal and that I have a shot at happiness. I don't. I'll probably spend the rest of my life holed up with my parents. Until they die and I'm left all alone with neighbors who'll look at me and tell stories to their kids, "you don't want to end up like her, do you?"

It's weird. I read other peoples' blogs and they all seem so coherent. It's one long continuous story with interesting little bumps in the road. But with me, the posts are so different that they could well be written by different people altogether. Not even my grades are steady. How could I go from straight A's to C's (admittedly, the C's aren't a certainty...grades aren't in, but I'm pretty sure I did poorly)?

God, I feel so bad. It's like there's some gruesome beast growing inside me, eating me up. On the outside, it still looks like me, but if you look into my eyes it's somebody else.

I have all these plans for fasting after school is over. But I can hardly stand the idea of having to sit through my life in utter boredom. It's just depression when nothing can occupy my mind.

Long time...

2009-12-13T16:05:00.002-06:00

Here's what up with me: The LDN was a disaster, any way you slice it. For a couple of months I was taking waaay too much of it. But even when I lowered the dose, I was feeling intestinal pain and diarrhea. The LDN took the self-hate away (I am told by reliable sources that I hate myself for no reason, but who really knows). However, it introduced a new and highly disturbing phenomenon: binge eating. The thing is, I have overeaten in the past before, but generally, the self-hatred is enough to make me stop or at least fast to compensate. No harm done. But since the LDN took away the self-hatred, there was free-for-all, no holds barred eating. Now, a good five pounds heavier--optimistically speaking--I have a genuine, concrete reason to hate myself.

Meanwhile, I think the LDN also increased by anxiety, which accounts for all sorts of bad stuff. No need to spell out the details.

But I digress. I have three more finals left. I still need the LDN to keep my mood up. As soon as school is finished (and right after my exciting call back interview at an unnamed governmental agency) I will slowly taper off. First, I'll do every second day, then every third day. In the past, when I have tried to go cold turkey, I've become extremely lethargic and suicidal.

I have plans, though. I will diet and restrict like never before. Last year at this time, I was doing the whole alternate day fasting thing--it was mainly to cope with anxiety. After a month or so, I developed a little bit of a bingeing problem. My experience with the naltrexone (LDN) made me realize that this was not merely because I was hungry. After all, I am a seasoned restricter and have gone months and months on less than 500 calories without a binge. This new phenomenon was opioid-mediated craziness. Plenty of pubmed articles on this stuff.

The new goal: I might do some alternate day fasting (ADF - 36 hours), but it can't be a regular thing. Only once or twice a week. Otherwise, I'll start to up-regulate my opioid receptors again and fall into the binge. I'm thinking I'll get the weight off in about a month? *fingers crossed* Incidentally, since I have probably down-regulated by opioid receptors by taking the LDN, I could probably safely ADF for quite a while before the bingeing starts.

Oh...and I totally forgot about the low blood sugar episodes on the LDN. Horrific.

Dinner, and how it worked out

2009-09-27T19:16:00.004-05:00

I wish I could say my vegetarian plan worked out really well. It didn't. Well, some of it did. The corn in the morning was fine, though I was hungry about two seconds later. I followed it up with a rice cake and 1/3 tsp of olive oil. That held me longer, ~ 4 hours (lower on the salicylates).

Dinner, at 3:30 was my mushroom stirfry. It tasted great. I had it with 1/2 cup rice. But I should have known something was wrong. First off, I'm allergic to mold. Anything that's been made with mold (like some aspergillus niger-derived vitamins) send me batshit crazy. And, I had forgotten that eating mushrooms makes my nose run. That was the first sign that things weren't right. Next sign was the horrible post-meal cravings and the tightness in my face. I don't want to go into what happened next, but it wasn't pretty. I won't mention the god-awful gas--it's not painful, thank goodness, but the smell!

I think perhaps tomorrow I will make a stirfry without the mushrooms and just do broccoli, onions, oil and...fish. Yeah. Stick with stuff I know. I suppose the vegetarian thing didn't last too long. I feel a meal is incomplete without meat.

On a side note, one thing I did not feel today was meat-induced despair. It's because...wait for it...I didn't have any meat.

Time to switch things up again

2009-09-26T20:26:00.004-05:00

So it's been...maybe a week since I went back to 10pm LDN dosing. Unfortunately, things are going down hill again. First off, whenever I eat meat (or canned fish--it's the amines) I get either suicidally depressed or, alternatively, if I start out in a more buoyant mood, very aggressive and irritable.

While I wake up fairly calm and with not much appetite, sometimes I get that low-dopamine nervousness and feel I need to ramp things up will food to calm down. Needless to say, the eating is not from cravings or hunger, but just a desperate attempt to change my mental state.

But I really like this low hunger business. I could do with better concentration. I could also do without the meat-induced despair. Today was a low meat day. Most of my calories came from nuts. I also had an ear of corn and half an ounce of chicken (that half-ounce convinced me not to have more).

The bottom line: I have decided I need to change the timing of the meds again. This time I will push it back to 9:45. Even a little earlier makes a difference. But of course, I wouldn't ever want to do a controlled experience and change only one variable. So I've decided to go low(ish) carb and low meat and light on the nuts, because I can get carried away. [There's no quicker way to get fat than to scarf down nuts and seeds. How do you think those squirrels get so plump? : -) ] This means um...lots of olive oil?

I have plans for tomorrow's meal. I want to do some sort of stirfry. Since I steer clear of spices, it will probably contain bok choy, broccoli, cauliflower, MUSHROOMS, onions, a small clove of garlic and (perhaps) some chinese eggplant, drenched in olive oil so I feel like I've eaten and served over a little bit of rice. I will make a large amount of this because I need to pack dinner for Monday-Wednesday.

The only problem is breakfast. Can't start with nuts because they destroy my self-control. Can't start with olives because sometimes they make me feel funny and give me cravings. Maybe half an ear of corn. That sounds right. But I'm worried my carbs will be too high if I do that. It's always a mistake to calculate the next day's food on fitday before the eating starts because I never know how I will feel in the morning. I might have to chance it this time.

Weird moods and unhappiness

2009-09-22T17:25:00.004-05:00

With a title like that, everyone will be drooling over my misery. For the past week, I shifted the LDN to 9:15. It was a nightmare. The usual binge eating/anxiety/dysphoria came back. I couldn't stand it. True, my diarrhea was totally gone, but I'd rather be sick as a dog than feel so completely out of my mind.

For the past two days, I've been taking 1.5 mg at 10pm. That works much better. I wake up feeling calm. As long as I don't eat the wrong thing the previous day, I don't wake up with intestinal pain either. (But I nearly always eat the wrong thing--generally, salad bar cooked vegetables at the food store near school, or when forced by parental dinner plans to eat legumes, which I love, btw.)

Today was hard. I've been trying to stay away from the carrots, but I failed. I really am starting to turn very orange. My stomach, my palms, everything. I wonder if other people notice...or if I just look like I've fake tanned.

I am relieved that my urge to eat is less intense than it was when I was taking the meds at 9:15. But all is not perfect. In fact, I've had two bouts of self-hatred today alone. The little choo choo train of self-hatred doesn't surface often anymore (since being on the LDN) but when it does, it's very painful. I start hating my body. And what's worse, I sort of feel the flesh on my bones even when I'm standing perfectly still. I feel the clothes on my skin and the world feels distant and foreign.

Meanwhile, I'm under quite a bit of stress. I try reading ahead for my classes so there's time for work and school. But then when I get to class, I feel a little confused since either (i) I read the material too long ago (ii) my mood has changed and the memories have been erased by the mood change.

Things aren't all gloom and doom, though. I found out today that I won a substantial school fellowship. Go me.

Eureka, nail insight!

2009-09-22T17:17:00.003-05:00

Previously, I had thought that my peeling nails were from constant diarrhea. That was a good theory. I now have a better one (I think I entertained this theory before on the blog): It was the Mavala ridge filler I was using! For the past week I haven't used it and my nails are much stronger. They're not peeling as much.

It's sort of hard to explain how quickly this improvement took place. What made me narrow down the culprit to the base coat was that when I would remove my polish, my nails (right up to the cuticle) would be so soft that I could scratch marks into them. After a day or so without polish, they'd firm up. Then the cycle would start again.

Now I'm using Seche base coat which I got for free at Sally's. It seems to be working ok and does a pretty good job with the ridges too. A plus is that it dries fast.

It is also true that I haven't had diarrhea in a while (yay). But my gut feeling is that the Mavala is the problem.

Feeling lonely

2009-09-13T18:59:00.005-05:00

I've been quite tired all day. Mood is not so bad, but the fatigue is crippling. I went to the hardware store to find a container to house my growing makeup collection. The store is about five blocks away but I had to stop twice to rest. I'm looking forward to taking my LDN tonight.

But back to the main purpose of the post: I'm feeling kind of lonely. I'd like to have a boyfriend, someone exciting and interesting. I don't mean exciting in the abstract. I mean exciting to me. At school, there is no one who has caught my eye. That alone is depressing. A run of the mill crush would be nice. I'm getting to that age where half the men I see are married. I suppose ten years from now they'll mostly be divorced, given the statistics, but still. These are supposed to be "my best years" and I'm not even slightly tempted by anyone I've met!

In the past, (with the exception of my high school boyfriend), I've only had a boyfriend when I have been actively searching for one: I go out of my way; I make my interest obvious. I'm tired of taking that tack. Why can't these wooses come after me?

Generally, I have three criteria. Smart. Handsome. Kind...to me. A guy with any two of the three is a FIND. For short-term entertainment, I'll take one of the three. I've come to realize that kind is more important than the other two qualities. Despite how I sound on this blog, I'm actually pretty forgiving.